The Sanity of Insanity
by Berlioz II
Summary: What would you be willing to do for a friend battling with her sanity? That is a question Chihiro must answer and soon.
1. Requiem Aeternam

_Okay, this story originated as a fragmented dream I had recently, and even though only the basic idea remained in my head, it was enough that I couldn__'__t fall back asleep anymore and had to start rummaging ideas for this, feeling compelled to put it all down in writing. My general plan is still kind of vague, but I have divided the story into ten sections of a Requiem Mass. Chapters are likely to remain short-ish, but be warned that over the course of this write up I am planning to drive poor Kaori-chan to the pits of hell and back again, which is why I brought Chihiro along to balance it out. Now all I need to be concerned with is to keep my inspiration up. Please enjoy if you so wish._

_Original Characters © Kiyohiko Azuma, 1999-2002, 2009  
Original Story © Berlioz II, 2008, Fully revised 2009_

_**

* * *

I. Requiem Aeternam**_

_Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine,  
et lux perpetua luceat eis.  
Te decet hymnus, Deus, in Sion,  
et tibi reddetur votum in Jerusalem.  
_

_Kyrie eleison.  
Christe eleison.  
Kyrie eleison._

* * *

Chihiro Inoue's life was pretty good. Well, it was pretty good for anybody in her current position anyway. After graduating from high school, Chihiro had settled for the simple life of a florist, her life being one of unremarkable ambition, but rather one of comfortable happiness. People liked her, she liked people, she was considered a reliable, valuable addition to the community. In short, she was generally happy with her life. She was making plans to one day start a family of her own, picturing perfectly what that life would include. She'd have a nice, pleasant husband, she would have three or four children to whom she could then teach about flowers and nature, have family get togethers, have fun with her friends, and after a life of goodwill and bright sunshine, she would retire and view the fruits of her labour with pride. Indeed, an unambitious life was an easy life.

That is until her house burned down.

It is funny to note how one little spark could just end it all overnight. In the ensuing flames, she lost everything but the pyjamas she was wearing and her own life. She continued to be thankful for that little, but it still hurt her immensely. After all, that little flowershop had been everything to her. It was her life. And now she didn't have any of that left. After the incident she cried for a long time, she pondered what she had done to deserve this, and she contemplated on stuffing herself with pancakes until she popped, but after getting past the worst of it, she decided that wallowing in self pity and pancake heaven was not the answer. For Chihiro could be assertive when she needed to be. Thus her next point of action was to start calling and pleading for her friends to help out, knowing that moving all the way to Sapporo where the rest of her family now resided was not an option she was prepared to take.

Even though she had many friends and was on friendly terms with all of them, in the end she knew there was only one person on whom she could count on in a situation such as this: Kaori Aida (or as she was more fondly referred to as Kaorin). Chihiro had known Kaori arguably the longest than any of her other acquaintances and they had always been close. She was not always easy to get along with, but Chihiro had learned to accept her friend's eccentricities and they usually got along very well. And that brings me back as to why Chihiro's life, despite all the hardships, was still pretty good when compared with some other people in a similar situation. Instead of ending up as some kind of a burden to her friend, Kaori had, as expected, welcomed her with open arms to her rather large mansion she currently resided in, an outside mark that she was financially well-off and considering she had nobody else but a faithful assistant living there with her, Kaori welcomed the distraction.

Kaori Aida had in the ensuing fifteen years since graduating from high school been taken heart and soul with her childhood hobby of music, a line of profession nobody had really expected her to take. Truth be told, she had actually always enjoyed writing little ditties here and there since a fairly young age and had continued with her covert studies ever since, though never really daring to reveal this to anybody out of fear of them ridiculing her and laughing at her meager accomplishments. But she had always felt it was really nothing more than a hobby, something not to be taken that seriously... that is until she truly started to look deeper into the music by the likes of John Adams, Dmitri Shostakovich, Gustav Mahler, and György Ligeti on a completely new emotional, spiritual and intellectual level, the new familiarity making something snap in her head which illuminated a path in front of her that gleamed with such brightness that even the stars she had adored in her high school's astronomy club dimmed in comparison. From then on she studied and studied and studied... every waking moment she could think of nothing but music that took on a form of one obsessive discovery after another. Enrolling into the Momongaoka Music University, she practically ate everything she was taught. Harmony, counterpoint, dissonance, atonality, tonality... they all were like different flavours of meats served on a giant smorgasbord of expression and power beyond her imagination.

At age 22 she graduated with the first degree of composition by writing her First Symphony, an ambitious undertaking that had nearly caused her to have a nervous breakdown. But she pulled through, and over the ensuing years continued pushing on her ambition to ever higher and higher levels, sincerely believing in the truth of her artistry. But as her ambition grew and her conviction fortified, it also made her already slightly wavering mental state tip a little over the cup towards madness. She still regained her normal sensibilities so it never bothered her day-to-day activities, but she was also getting more and more prone to having strong nervous attacks, easy frustrations, sudden surges of rage and passionate outbursts over one rant or another. It was as if the more she delved into herself, the more dark demons were being broken out of their shackles to invade her life, until she could no longer properly function in the outside world through her own admission, and thus ended up isolating herself into a life of solitarity away from people in general - like an eccentric millionaire the children would love to tell sinister ghost and murder stories about.

Chihiro had seen all of this happening in her friend's life; seeing her decline one step at a time toward something she wasn't wholly prepared to accept, but regardless Chihiro never abandoned her. No, she would always look with concern over Kaori, and even offered companionship if the occasion arose, always there to see over that she would never loose her way completely in the maze of her own thoughts. And Kaori always did appreciate this, often holding herself in debt to her friend's help, so when Chihiro requested her help, there was not even a second's hesitation in Kaori's agreement to take her in for as long as she needed to get back to her feet.

It had now been eight months since she had moved into the house and life had moved on at a fairly average stride. Kaori also seemed to be doing well, with her mind staying mostly in balance, save for only a few minor outbursts of more frightening air and one serious one. But otherwise Kaori seemed to enjoy having her friend living so close instead of always being surrounded by those accursed, stifling flowers her shop used to be covered with. Even her work on her Third Symphony seemed to go like a breeze, particularly when compared to her Second Symphony, or better yet her F minor Piano Concerto that made her almost rip the keys out of her grand piano. But now she seemed happy and content, full of enjoyment of life and Chihiro couldn't but be happier on her behalf.

That is until that faithful September day that nearly toppled Kaori over to the point of no return. That was the day she was commissioned a grand, commemorative piece for the unveiling of the "Statue of Woe", erected as a memoriam for all the tragedies the country had faced over its history. An ambitious statue for sure, with equally ambitious ideologies behind it, but one that was rammed through every deciding faction to get done by the beginning of the next year. For this occasion, Kaori Aida was chosen as the most fitting candidate for writing a grand musical piece to coincide with the occasion, the deciders liking her mix of Mahlerian grandioseness and passion in her music. It had taken her only a moment to consider the commission before agreeing to do it. With that, she solemnly walked to her study where Chihiro was happily reading a book on ornithology or something of the like. Instantly noticing that something was up from Kaori's serious look, Chihiro couldn't help but feel slightly nervous about what was wrong.

"I shall write a Grand Mass for the Dead." That was all Kaori said before walking away.

It was an announcement. A warning. This was important. This meant something. This was enough for even Kaori to give advance notice to her friend. She never did that for any lesser pieces, but this was large enough to make even the composer herself nervous. And Chihiro could feel her forehead to get sweaty.

_"__Oh boy, wonder what this will all result in,__"_ she thought with slight dread.

_

* * *

Well, here we go. Where we__'__ll end up at I don__'__t have a clue:) Feedback is always appreciated, of course._


	2. Dies Irae

_Okay, this is a bit of a filler chapter, the main purpose of which is to get Kaori-chan working on this thing, but I do think there are some significant seeds for future events laid down as slight foreshadowings. And I decided to add one more chapter to my design so as I can have more freedom of development. Enjoy._

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* * *

II. Dies Irae**_

_Dies irae, dies illa  
Solvet saeclum in favilla,  
Teste David cum Sibylla.  
Quantus tremor est futurus  
Quando judex est venturus  
Cuncta stricte discussurus._

* * *

For the ensuing week Chihiro was like a cat on hot coal, or rather she was on her guard should Kaori get it into her head to attack her with a knife or something in her surge of creative passions. She had been left extremely disturbed by Kaori's previous announcement and was more apprehensive about not trying to cause any extra perturbation to Kaori's mind should Chihiro overstep a boundary that could be as thin as ice on a warm summer day.

But so far everything seemed to be going just fine, Kaori seemingly continuing on as she had for the past few months Chihiro had been living at her house. She was still cheerful and happy, a perfect example of a healthy and stable person... well... okay, most of the time... or... Oh, fine then! About 50/50 good and bad moods that didn't differ much from her usual state of mind. Anyway Chihiro couldn't help but feel it was only the calm before the storm that could erupt at any moment, and surely if Kaori herself was feeling a slight trepidation about beginning this project, so should her "voice of reason" be as alert to be able to do some preventive damage control.

Kaori on her part, however, indeed was more excited than disturbed. This was after all an important commission, something she could show to the world that she had talent, that she was a force to be reckoned with. She was practically bursting with energy that caused her to not be able to stay still for any long periods of time. She'd sit down for a while but would soon be up again; she'd walk through all the rooms upstairs and come back down again before repeating the same action; she'd play ideas on the piano before soon making some mad sprint to the front door of the house; she'd take a nap and within ten minutes or so would be making a sandwich in the kitchen; or she would just suddenly yell out random exclamations such as:

"Chihiro! There are glasses littering the tables! If you are done using them, put them back in the cupboard!!"

or

"AAAAAARRRRGGGHHH!! Why does the world hate me so damn much?"

or

"BLERGH!! This milk has gone sour! How hard is it to keep fresh milk in the house?!"

...most of the above then being forgotten a minute later (the milk took a while). She would even vacuum around the rooms, an exercise she was not fond of doing, though this seemed more a case of playing around than getting anything concrete done really. And then, at times, she would be taken by sudden moments of calm and it was these that Chihiro found perhaps the most disturbing. She'd just stand outside in her backyard, staring into infinity, not moving a muscle and at times pointing to something, as if noticing a loose strand of thought floating in the air. Chihiro couldn't help but feel Kaori was trying to channel Osaka during those moments, a thought she found incredibly funny, but it would always come back to the old fear that it could simply be a prelude to the complete collapse of her friend's mental barriers if it was eventually to come to that - a reality Chihiro didn't want to think about, but which she grudgingly had to acknowledge.

It was during one of these quiet moments some five days after the commission when Chihiro was once more finding herself thoughtfully looking at Kaori's back, lost in her own ruminations, that she was suddenly startled out of her fearful thoughts as Kaori quietly called out to her out of nowhere with that slightly menacing voice, "Chihiro. Your eyes are burning a hole in the back of my head. Could you possibly stop it?"

"Ahm... S-sorry, Kaorin. I was just thinking about stuff. I didn't want to disturb you or anything," she quietly explained.

"Hmh... It's okay. Just don't do it again," Kaori continued still facing away from Chihiro.

Chihiro nodded with a slight affirmative noise and started to turn away, but was stopped by a sudden thought that she felt privy enough to ask. Turning back to Kaori, she quietly asked, "Kaorin? Are you... okay?"

Turning her head towards Chihiro in confusion, Kaori questioned back, "What do you mean by that?"

"N-nothing... I mean, you've just been so all over the place with going around the house recently, and now standing there doing Osaka stuff again that I was just wondering..."

"...If I was losing my mind?" Kaori abruptly finished with a slight grin, knowing exactly what Chihiro'd been thinking.

Chihiro couldn't help but be a little startled with Kaori's words, knowing full well she was not exactly known for a lenient ambivalence towards being referred, or even hinted, as being emotionally unstable. Certainly the last time she had made that mistake, Chihiro had sworn never to tempt fates again the same way.

"N-No! Not at all! I m-mean I'd never think that! I was just concerned that you were over-exerting yourself or trying to do more than you should... or... you know..."

Chihiro was increasingly getting more and more uncomfortable under Kaori's eyes. She hated to be caught in that unwavering look. Even if this time it was but a sideglance, it still made her forehead get all sweaty, not knowing if Kaori would suddenly go ballistic or not. After what seemed like 10 minutes of her just quietly glancing at Chihiro, Kaori calmly answered "I'm just fine, Chihiro. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. In fact, I do believe I have thought up the Requiem aeternam movement in its entirety already and the basic ideas for the Dies irae sequence. But thank you for your concern, Chi-chi," she finished almost overly friendly.

"Chi-chi?" Chihiro sweatdropped, not having been called that by her friend since they were ten. _"What the heck was that all about?"_ Chihiro wondered somewhat confused.

Suddenly turning around, Kaori headed past Chihiro at a quick pace, only calling back "I have work to do. Please don't disturb me anymore tonight," leaving "Chi-chi" just standing speechless with the thought that she was never going to be able to accurately read Kaori's moods and swings.

The ensuing night Kaori never left the confines of her inner sanctum, writing furiously the first sequentia, the ideas just flowing out of her pen, putting down the first part of the setting with ease after formulating it for the last couple of days.

Outside the stars shone bright, ever so often causing a discernible groan to emit from Kaori's fevered mind when she chanced to glance outside her large study windows, which she quickly attempted to push out of her consciousness. There were times she still felt like just going outside with her telescope, but reminders of her past kept popping up and she often just changed the subject in her head to something else, something as remote as possible.

Concentrating again on the manuscript in front of her, she pushed forward, allowing her grand architectural plans to form right in front of her. Oh, how she enjoyed the feeling of seeing something being created by her own hand, how another piece of her soul was forming for all to marvel. _'__They all laughed at me and my ambitions and career. I__'__ll show them. Kaori Aida will show them all, rip their souls apart and make them see the mark of a true genius,__'_ she thought until saying quietly out loud to herself, "I'll make you all regret you laughed at Kaori Aida…" which she followed with a little chuckling laughter. The nights of Kaori Aida's lonesome toils of solitude often were punctured by such declamations, not one's for weak minds to tolerate.

Chihiro on the other hand couldn't get to sleep. She had been trying for the past three hours, but sleep just did not come. It was not really that she was that overly concerned with Kaori just as yet. After all, she seemed to be in a whole lot better mental grip now that she had been during some past projects, even for some much smaller songs that she had explosively deemed as "trite" and "worthless". But there was something else hiding behind that generally calm and cheerful façade that made Chihiro uneasy. She couldn't quite put her finger on it, but it was not something she knew she would like. Somehow it just felt like a mask - a mask that she had carefully set up to hide what was currently really going on in her mind.

Staying awake and listening to the quiet, Chihiro waited. She didn't know exactly what, but she also noted that Kaori had not went to bed yet... at least not to her knowledge. It was nearing four in the morning when she finally nodded off to an uneasy slumber, which in its turn became more sound as the night passed on. It was already close to eight when Kaori's muffled steps were heard in the corridor. She had spent the entire night writing, writing and writing and writing in her own solitude, occupied only by her innermost thoughts, never bothering to see what time it was or even realising whether she was sleepy or not. But there was one little nagging thing she needed to get off her chest before going to her bedroom, something she had picked up earlier that had gathered more and more significance in the storm of thoughts she had been wrestling with for the past night. Turning to Chihiro's bedroom, she promptly opened the door and shouted:

"I do NOT do Osaka stuff!!", the sudden exclamation startling Chihiro so that she almost jumped and fell out of bed. After that Kaori just slammed the door shut and trudged to her own bedroom, leaving a bewildered Chihiro trying to figure out what exactly was that all about. "...the hell?"

Yes, Chihiro would never be able to understand her friend's moods and swings. Never.

_

* * *

Cheepers creepers, thus the road to insanity begins. Leave feedback if you so wish, otherwise I hope you enjoyed the continuation._


	3. Quid Sum Miser

_I happened to be browsing around some music for Azumanga Daioh and to my surprise stumbled onto a little song on the Tribute to Azumanga Daioh album called "Moi moi" that mixes in Finnish words! I could hardly believe my eyes and having now heard it, it__'__s fun to note that the pronunciation is quite impeccable, even though the lyrics don__'__t seem to make much sense ("Interpretation", "Traveller", Steaming hot", "Golden," "Yeah right, bye bye"?). It__'__s very funny though and gives me a whole new reason to like Azumanga Daioh._

_Anyways, this was originally another somewhat filler chapter, but turned out longer than I expected. I think I__'__m on the whole quite happy with it and this works nicely as a transition for the next chapter__'__s big meltdown. Please, enjoy (Yeah right, bye bye ;D)_

_**

* * *

III. Quid Sum Miser**_

_Quid sum miser tunc dicturus,  
Quem patroneum rogaturus,  
Cum vix justus sit securus?  
Recordare, Jesu pie,  
Quod sum causa tuae viae,  
Ne me perdas illa die._

* * *

Having been jostled awake, Chihiro decided that it was impossible for her to get back to sleep anymore and, considering it was already eight in the morning, she decided to just get up and start off the new day. Getting out of bed and quickly dressing as Chihiro was never one to mind too much about fixing herself up for looking her "best", she left her bedroom. But before going downstairs for some breakfast, she went off to check on Kaori, wanting to make sure nothing was seriously wrong with her. After her soft knocks didn't yield an answer, she went ahead and opened the door... gently of course.

Popping her head cautiously in the room, there she found Kaori, fast asleep on her bed, still fully dressed, apparently just collapsed out of exhaustion from working on the Requiem all night long. Chihiro contemplated for a moment whether she should either wake her up so she could undress or just take the initiative to undress Kaori herself, but thought against it lest she would not be particularly appreciative towards the gesture (let alone the latter idea was making Chihiro embarrassed as hell).

Hopping down the stairs, Chihiro went to the kitchen to grab some breakfast, feeling somewhat more cheery than during last night's more disconcerting air. The kitchen was as quiet as it always was, with only Kaori's young assistant girl Mikuru preparing breakfast. Mikuru had always been a bit of a closed off and quiet person, though that never reflected as her being a bad worker. Indeed, she was quite a dedicated employee, quietly doing her stuff around the house, and who additionally had always, to Chihiro's great surprise, been able to control even Kaori's sudden surges of rage, her demure manner obviously being enough to make Kaori as tame as a little kitten. This was a particular thing Chihiro liked about her (admittedly one of the few actual things), even as she spoke little and was barely ever seen around. But she did bring a certain level of calmness to the stormy waters this house was sometimes plagued with. Unfortunately she was just so damn creepy and seemed to always appear out of nowhere with that quietly unflinching look, many-a-time scaring Chihiro out of her pants.

Taking a seat at the kitchen table, Chihiro informed Mikuru: "Oh Mikuru, Kaori is sleeping and will probably stay so for a while yet, so don't prepare breakfast for her."

"Hai," Mikuru responded as usual, but then continued, "Is the mistress all right?"

This caught Chihiro a bit off guard as Mikuru did not usually do conversation, even when prompted to do so.

"Oh... I... umm... guess she's just fine," Chihiro managed to stutter out, not being very accustomed to be talked to by the girl.

"That is good," Mikuru continued, "And if she weren't, you'd inform me, wouldn't you?"

"Yeah... sure... of course," Chihiro stumbled on.

Mikuru just nodded and said, "Good", and after having finished serving Chihiro her food, just quietly walked out the room. Chihiro couldn't help but be a little unnerved by the girl. She had never really gotten along with her... or well, not really had much of an interaction with her to begin with. _"Why must she be so silent and creepy?"_ Chihiro quietly thought to herself. _"Kaori sure knows how to pick '__em.__"_

Pushing her shivers back, Chihiro focused on her breakfast of steamed rice, miso soup, a few tamagoyaki, some grilled salmon and natto for a traditional Japanese breakfast. _"Well, at least she knows how to cook."_ While so engaged, Chihiro started to roll in her head as to what she should do today. Obviously Kaori was going to be out of the picture for some time to come, so she didn't need to concern herself over her friend's well-being. Still, it left her with basically nothing to do other than to just sit around and maybe read a book or listen to music or something.

"_Maybe I should go outside... YEAH! That'__s it,__"_ Chihiro lighted up. _"I haven'__t been properly just enjoying myself for a long time. Yes, this could a very good idea.__"_ With that resolution, Chihiro planned all the fun stuff she'd do, like walking in the park, smell the flowers, maybe buy a new dress, listen to the twitter of birds... Chihiro was practically getting overly excited about all the exciting things she could do.

- O -

Thirty minutes later, Chihiro was already walking outside the gates of Kaori's mansion, deciding to take an early start for her fun filled day of strolling and shopping. For the next several hours she was having the time of her life. She walked here and there, enjoying the cleansing effects of the open air that didn't entirely reach her in the, at times, suffocatingly claustrophobic atmosphere of the mansion, big as it was. It actually felt good not having to worry about Kaori for a change, an occupation she had unassumingly taken when she moved in.

Of course it was not something she had the room to moan about. After all, Kaori had graciously taken her in with no questions asked, giving her a warm bed, a comfortable sense of decadent luxury, food on a plate and generally taking care of everything Chihiro needed. If it weren't for her fluctuating mental state, everything would have been perfect, but Chihiro supposed for everything there was a price to be paid and she accepted this flaw as something she simply had to accept. _"Still would be nice if she didn'__t over-exert herself so much.__"_

Seating herself down on a park bench, she mused about a whole lot of different things from napkins to kittens to what her other friends from school were doing nowadays, while observing passing couples that made her always blush with a slight tint of pink. _"Tee-hee, one day that will be me..."_ she thought. But as much as she was enjoying her time in the outside world, she couldn't help but always be drawn back to thinking about her ailing friend, and whether there was something she could do to help her.

Thinking on it, Chihiro realised that she couldn't really pinpoint exactly what could have been causing Kaori's mental perturbation. Maybe it was just that she was trying too hard to be something great, yet these attempts taxed her well-being so much that it caused her to become irritable and easily angry. But that really didn't seem to explain all of her actions. She had admittedly been acting weird on occasion even at high school, but then again who wouldn't be when being harassed by a perverted teacher and being obsessed with the "unmentionable goddess".

Still it wasn't really before she started on her current path that she became more and more unstable, if you would. It was as if her digging more and more down to the darker recesses of her soul had opened a potential Pandora's box that was slowly engulfing her sanity. Indeed, maybe she would be much better off without this occupation of her's. Chihiro would have to take this up with her later on. She continued with her quiet thoughts for a while longer until it started to give her a headache. _"Urghh... I'__ve never been good with these meta questions. Maybe I should just try and forget all about it for the rest of the afternoon.__"_ With that Chihiro shook her head, got up and continued to enjoy the remainder of her "day off", resolved to not let Kaori ruin her otherwise perfect day.

- O -

Several hours later, Chihiro returned to the mansion, cheerful and relaxed. She had done so many fun things, like eating a large cup of ice cream at one cafe, having a small glass of light cider, and she had even bought a wide-rimmed hat on top of the flower-patterned dress she was planning to get. _"Oo, Chihiro, you'__re really living on the edge,__"_ she thought to herself... with not even a hint of sarcasm.

She had also formulated on a plan that she would try and talk Kaori out of her current, harmful profession and to take on a more harmonious one, like becoming a florist! Finding Kaori was not difficult, considering she was currently bellowing out the Dies Irae lyrics and pretending to be an orchestra at the same time for the string and brass lines, while pounding on the piano in an almost reckless abandon.

Seeing Chihiro appear at the doorstep of her study, Kaori yelled out "Ten! Ten Chihiro!"

"Ten... what?" Chihiro asked completely baffled.

Leaving the piano, she quickly straightened up and animatedly explained, "Ten pairs of timpani! For the Dies Irae! I'll out-do Berlioz by two pairs! This will be a doomsday scenario that will leave people shivering in their seats and begging for mercy! It will make them DIE of fright!" she enthused.

"Ummm, m-maybe that's not such a good idea... I m-mean to kill the audience and all..." Chihiro tried to calm the raving girl down.

Kaori could only stare at her with her hair all messy from so much moving about. "What...?"

"I mean... maybe you should... you know... let them live so they can hear the rest of it," Chihiro tried to desperately explain, being convinced her friend was really seriously planning on killing the people with her music.

"Chihiro... what are you talking about? It was just a figure of speech. I was just conveying an idea. Chihiro, you're not leaving your senses are you?"

"Oh... of course not! No... I was just... just joking. That's all! Ehehehe," Chihiro answered nervously. Finding herself again being taken captive in Kaori's long-burning, unflinching stare, Chihiro was starting to feel even more self-aware, feeling like a fool or something close to it. Beginning to sweat profusely, she decided that she just wanted to get out of that stare as fast as possible, making some lame excuse about her new hat to get away. But just as she was starting to walk away, she suddenly remembered her resolve of trying to steer Kaori to a healthier mode of life.

Turning around once more, she hesitatingly began: "Ummm, Kaorin?"

"Yes?"

"I... that is I was just thinking, that... well... maybe this... that is would you be happier... um... doing... you know... flowers?" she managed to blurb out.

"Doing... flowers?" Kaori asked with confusion. "Chihiro, what the hell are you talking about?"

"No, no I didn't mean it like that... that is I did... but not like that... uhhh..."

"Is there something bothering you, Chi-chi? You're not making any sense," Kaori questioned with a hint of concern, but also a hidden undercurrent of frustration due to her friend's behaviour that was taking time away from the Requiem.

"No, I'm perfectly fine! I'm talking of you!" she managed to say that earned a look of suspicion from Kaori. "Look. I've just been doing some thinking," she continued with more calmness in her tone, "Well, I just don't think this whole "suffering artist" thing is very good for you. I mean, you're uneasy, you sleep little, you get annoyed fast, you're clearly not feeling very good... I'm just saying that, wouldn't it just be best if you gave up composing entirely and just settled down for a simpler life. You know, we could set up our own flower shop, and just let life go past with not so much need to get worked-up over little things. I... I just think that would be best for you." Chihiro managed to get it all down on the table and was feeling quite pleased with herself that she wasn't stuttering badly or faltered in the middle of her talk.

Her triumph didn't last long, though, as Kaori just continued staring at her. "Give up composing?" she asked with a little tilt of her head. "Why Chihiro, you know you shouldn't say silly things like that. That is just crazy talk."

Kaori's eyes were now practically drilling into Chihiro as if pitying her old friend's incapacity to understand the cosmic importance she was trying to accomplish. Chihiro could feel her sudden surge of confidence beginning to crack as fast as it had built up.

"And the fact that you would wish me to give up everything... to change my life to suit yours just because you say so... Frankly I find it rather insulting."

Chihiro was now shivering. She hated when Kaori would nail her down with her eyes and taunt her with that soft, calm voice that seemed to crawl under her skin like a leech.

Kaori began slowly approaching Chihiro, her eyes flickering a little with a light of menace, continuing speaking, "I can't believe you think that I would be "happier" sitting in the middle of those stagnant flowers, barring all creativity and stifling my lungs with that suffocating air. That I would debase myself to just idling my life away... unknown... hidden... wasting away in some backroom surrounded by flowers everywhere. Exactly how would that make me happy? How could you even suggest such a thing?" She had now approached Chihiro so that their faces were only inches away, challenging the other with the ferocity behind her eyes. _"This_ is my life. This. My music will forever be the most important thing to me. And no freakin' flower lady can just swoop in and tell me to go cater the simple people. The nobodies. The zeros. No-bo-dy. Not even you," Kaori finished with her voice almost growling at this point.

Chihiro could find all words stuck in her throat, not being able to do anything else but just look into Kaori's eyes with fear. With that, she suddenly noticed the double doors of the study closing in front of her face as Kaori's extended arms enclosed the doors at the side, locking Chihiro outside of the inner sanctum.

Exhausted from her close encounter with the dormant beast and crumbled down from the failure of her attempts of getting Kaori see the light, she found her legs give out from underneath her and she slumped to the ground on her knees, panting heavily. She hadn't even noticed she had been holding her breath.

And looking at her, from the other end of the hallway, was a frowning Mikuru, who soon again disappeared somewhere within the bowels of the house, while the piano once again began its deep pounding of the "Day of Wrath".

_

* * *

Okay, poor Chihiro-chan survived this time... whether that will last will be seen in future chapters._

_Oh, and my inclusion of Mikuru was just because I mentioned a servant if Chapter 1 and obviously she__'__d have to appear somewhere. The name comes from Haruhi Suzumiya, but other than that, the character has nothing to do with said series. In fact, I haven__'__t even really formulated how she looks like, but she__'__s not a major player anyways so she__'__ll only appear sporadically. Feedback is again appreciated. Thanks for reading._


	4. Rex Tremendae

_Well, here is one of the greater junctures of the story. I call it the "Fantaisie megalomanique" where all is revealed regarding Kaori__'__s motivations towards music. I actually had most of this already written around the time I did the first chapter as an anchoring leitmotiv for myself, but couldn__'__t really finish it completely before I knew what happened in the preceding chapters (thus the quick update). So without further ado, enjoy the on going derailment of the mind of Kaori Aida._

_**

* * *

IV. Rex Tremendae**_

_Rex tremendae majestatis,  
Quid salvandos salvas gratis,  
Salva me, fons pietatis.  
Confutatis maledictis  
Flammis acribus addictis,  
Voca me...  
Et de profundo lacu._

* * *

The next week was extremely awkward for Chihiro as her row with Kaori had managed to upset her friend enough so that she would not speak to her, spend any long durations of time in the same space with her, or even barely noticed her. It made Chihiro feel really lousy that she had caused such a rift between the two, a goal she definitely had no intention of achieving. All she had wanted was to help her friend, yet the whole plan had drastically backfired on her to the level that Chihiro was thinking of calling Osaka whether she had a time machine she could borrow and prevent this from ever happening.

In the mean time Kaori had continued to isolate herself all the more by spending most of her time in the study writing, planning and writing again to the extent that Chihiro was feeling close to being abandoned. And what was possibly worse for her, was that even Mikuru was now giving her disapproving glances and a generally colder shoulder than before. Chihiro couldn't help but feel that when even the quiet, seemingly unemotional girl was starting to show her disapproving towards Chihiro's actions, then she really had messed up big time.

But if Chihiro still wanted to share the same house with Kaori, she knew eventually she'd have to find a way to appease Kaori's scornful mind and fix whatever problems they had between them. The trick was as to what should she do to make this miraculous deed happen?

"_Maybe I could get her drunk? Well... maybe that'__s not such a hot idea. Perhaps I could get Mikuru to talk to her? Ugh... definitely not. Mikuru already hated me enough to rather see me thrown out than work as a mediator__…__ let alone I wonder if she even can maintain longer discussions. Could I knock her unconscious and re-programme her brain? ARH! What are you thinking Chihiro?__"_ she thought, despairing at her own lack of properly practical ideas.

Eventually she just settled for the simplest solution of walking up to her and begging for forgiveness. It was thankfully easy to get to her as she had decided to spend the evening just sitting outside in her extensive backyard on one of her reclining chairs. She didn't much note Chihiro's presence when she appeared next to her, seemingly being preoccupied by her own world.

"Ummm... hey, Kaorin," Chihiro timidly started.

Kaori just shifted her head a bit towards her and gave a slight "mmh" sound.

Chihiro took that as an acknowledgement that Kaori wasn't planning on chasing her away and decided to take a seat next to her.

"Hey, we haven't really seen each other that much lately. Or really spent much time together, either," she started.

"We've seen each other around," Kaori responded rather laconically.

"Yeah, but we haven't really talked... or anything." Seeing as Kaori was not really in a talking mood, Chihiro then decided to take the plunge quickly (and hopefully painlessly) and continued, "Look, Kaorin. I'm sorry what I said the other day. I didn't mean any harm. I was just worried about you, that's all and I would never undermine your talent, because I really do think you are a very good composer and also a good person and I hope you know that yourself like I do. And... I just want to apologise if I have in any way behaved insultingly or unfairly towards you. So please, would you accept my apology," Chihiro finished and looked at Kaori with puppydog eyes.

Kaori turned her head fully towards Chihiro now, looking at her with a slightly surprised look. "You think I've been mad at you?" she asked.

"Ummm... haven't you been ignoring me all through the past week now?"

"...Sorry if you've got that impression. I've just been so busy with the Mass that I haven't had time to concentrate on very much anything else."

"Okay..." Chihiro responded with a bit of confusion. Had she been imagining it all, then? Had she just thought that everybody was against her? _"Oh, jeez! Now I start to sound just like Kaorin. I hope she'__s not rubbing off on me.__"_

"Well... as long as all's fine with us."

"Everything's just fine as far as I'm concerned," Kaori shrugged off her friend's concerns.

"And you're sure everything's okay with you?" Chihiro continued with her questioning.

"Of course. What would be wrong?" Kaori curiously asked.

"Well, you know. I'm just thinking that maybe you're taking this whole composing business way too seriously."

"Too seriously? Why Chihiro, of course I take it seriously. You sound as if I'm just playing around. As if my entire profession is just a joke to you."

Okay, now Chihiro was getting slightly nervous again. She knew she was moving on thin ice, but figured that she might as well take a chance now that Kaori was decidedly more calm than during her last attempt. "No! Of course I'm not saying that. But you know, I've been watching you. And as far as I can see, you don't come across as all that particularly happy."

"You are not trying to talk me out of composing again, Chihiro?" Kaori countered with a deep sigh.

"No no no no no no..." Chihiro said waving her arms about, "I'm just thinking that maybe you could try and at least not rake yourself so much. And maybe you could even find something else you'd rather do if you just looked."

"Like what?" Kaori asked sarcastically.

"Like... astronomy. You remember, you used to be so into it back in high school, right? You were even in the astronomy club."

"Hmph, astronomy..." Kaori said with contempt in her voice. "Sure, maybe one time in my ignorant youth. But those days have long since passed."

"Well, you know, it's not too late to go back to that. You could still do what you used to love doing. Maybe it could offer you the peace of mind you need..." Chihiro began before again being interrupted by Kaori.

"Peace of mind? Oh, Chihiro, if only you could hear yourself..." she mocked her amid slight giggles. "Stars would offer peace of mind... that's a good one."

Suddenly she jumped up from her seat, seriously startling Chihiro, and walked a little way forward in apparent vehemence, taking a defying stance under that brightly lit night sky.

"Stars... Stars don't make anybody do anything. How could they? Look at them! There they are, just shining there, minding their own business, not a care in the world..." Turning her head to face Chihiro, she continued, "Chihiro, do you know why I stopped caring for astronomy, hm? I bet you don't, since I never told you why. And I bet your little unassuming existence couldn't even begin to comprehend it, let alone guess. You know, there was a time it indeed meant more to me, but that was before I realised the utter futility in caring about different worlds and solar systems and planetary movements."

Turning her gaze once more to the starry sky, she started musing to herself, lost in her own thoughts.

"Pretty... so pretty. Such complex structures... such hugely more infinite than me... or anybody else on this little speck of dust. Look at them. They seem so near. As if you could just reach out your arm," she said while extending her arm towards the sky, "and grab hold of them, take those shining objects into the palm of your hand and admire the intricacy of it all. But no... No, you can't. They're always too far... too far... and all you can do is just look at them from afar. Not being able to touch, to hold, to effect, to cause any change, to have the power of creation... or destruction." She brought her arm down and rolled her hand into a fist. "No... all you can do is just watch them... always just watch them, moving and changing and doing their own things, and all you can do is just stare, always too far away... out of reach... just like... just like Sakaki-san..."

_"Oh, boy, here we go again,"_ Chihiro thought with exasperation. How did she know this subject had to come up sooner or later.

"So perfect... so divine... so unbelievably beautiful... so... so... COOL! Always so near... yet always so far. Just outside of my reach. She could have made me perfect... complete. But no... she could never have been interested in me. She was too far out of my league. Too far above me. I would never have been able to live up to her. And all I could do was just look on... helpless... powerless... unable to have any effect on her... Stupid romantic dreams... just like those blasted stars! That's all they are good for! Just watching and dreaming, but nothing more," she went on, her eyes tearing up.

Chihiro couldn't but watch her friend with pity. This was almost a periodic thing for her. Sakaki... it would always go back to "the most perfect and wonderful Sakaki-san". Even fifteen years later Kaori had not been able to give her up... to stop thinking of her. She was like the invincible barrier Kaori could never break or get past. And Chihiro hated how there was nothing she could do about it, nothing she could do to get her friend past this unhealthy obsession, which forbid Kaori to live her life free.

Chihiro began once again to try and talk some sense into Kaori, "Please, Kaorin, it's already been fifteen years. Really, don't you think you should just give up..."

"NO! NEVER! I'll never give up, EVER!" Kaori interrupted with her eyes burning with rage, scaring Chihiro out of her mind. Following that initial outburst and heaving a bit towards Chihiro, she continued with more calmness, the fire in her eyes subsiding, "I know I have no future with Sakaki-san... I know there is not even the possibility that I could ever live up to her. And trying that is about as useless as is the purpose of those stars high up there. But... my music. Music has the power of expression with which I can do anything. With music I can reveal my deepest, darkest fears, my greatest desires, my most sacred confessions and none need to even know what they are. Music, more than any other mode of expression, is all-powerful. The human heart lives for emotion, of expressing feelings that words fail at, and music is the outside reflection of all of that. Thus with music I CAN create and I CAN make a world in which everything is possible... and I don't need anything more than a piece of paper, a pen and sound. I can build the most rigid constructions comparable to any planet, or movement that rivals any solar system. It is my world, and I am its sole GOD! And in that world I am more than just a pathetic single existence nobody cares about! I am the very Sun and Centre of everything! And there... I... CAN... HAVE... EVERYTHING! Then... who needs Sakaki-san... She'll come crawling to me..."

Chihiro couldn't but sit and watch in fear. She had never seen Kaori act quite this mad before. Sure, she had ranted about Sakaki before, but now she seemed to be slipping into a whole new level of obsession... a far more dangerous kind from which there might be no coming back. "Kaorin..." Chihiro tried to start, but was once more cut off.

"No Chihiro! There's nothing you can say, nothing you can do to make me go against my beliefs. And once the Requiem is done, I am going to make all of those who mocked me... all those who said I would never make it, never do anything remarkable... I will make them pay dearly for those insults. I will devastate them... with my music, I will make them tremble and beg for forgiveness... plead for me to absolve them! Make them so ashamed of doubting me that they would be willing to kiss the ground I walk on. And you, my dearest Chi-chi..." Kaori bent over the still seated Chihiro who couldn't look more nervous, "you will have a ringside seat to witness my triumph. And once I make them realise their mistakes, you shall not go unrewarded for your faith. Just as you have never left me in trouble, so shall I always hold you in high esteem, far above those wretched worms... only a few steps below me and Sakaki-san, free to bask in my magnificence."

With that Kaori quietly lifted herself from above Chihiro and quietly walked inside, into her study, leaving Chihiro sitting outside on the chair for the next two hours, visibly shaken and with tears in her eyes, while Kaori continued to work in the seclusion of her own small domain.

"Kaorin..." Chihiro sniffed, "I care about you so much... but I don't know how much longer I can take this. I don't want to lose my best friend, but this is just getting too hard..."

Chihiro couldn't help but feel so helpless... and far above on the black, night's sky, the stars shone brightly.

_

* * *

Jeez, I had so much fun writing this. Hope it has been at least as enjoyable to read. I have studied my Evangelion well._

_Oh, and in case you__'__ve been wondering what music I__'__ve been listening while writing this, I__'__ve mainly used the scores of Jerry Goldsmith for The Omen Trilogy (1976 __–__ 1981) as motivation. The Final Conflict is a particularly impressive finale that sounds very much like the mind of Kaori in this story. Dark yet triumphant._

_As always, leave feedback if you so wish, otherwise take care._


	5. Quaerens Me

_This turned into quite an introspective chapter. Well, Kaori-chan has her madness, but that doesn__'__t mean she__'__ll go around raving about it all-day-long. I think she needs some time off too before I rip into her again. Sorry, Kaori-chan._

_I__'__ve also been listening to Jerry Goldsmith__'__s and James Horner__'__s respective scores for Alien and Aliens recently. Creepy, creepy stuff. Don__'__t listen to them with lights turned off._

_**

* * *

V. Quaerens Me**_

_Quaerens me sedisti lassus,  
Redemisti crucem passus,  
Tantus labor non sit cassus.  
Juste judex ultionis  
Donum fac remissionis  
Ante diem rationis._

* * *

Chihiro didn't leave. She had wanted to. She really had, but she couldn't do it. After her encounter with Kaori's delusional and obsessive mind, she had cried for hours, feeling the utter futility and uselessness of herself in being unable to do anything for her oldest friend. After going inside, she had went up to her room and packed her bags. She felt like she couldn't possibly stay after what she had witnessed in the backyard, and she couldn't escape the feeling of being always viewed as inferior to that accursed Sakaki-san... always regarded as second best in her BEST friend's life over somebody who had barely ever spoken to her or noticed her very existence. Yet this one person still had a strangle hold on a friend very important to Chihiro... indeed a friend she had always considered the most important among all her acquaintances.

Chihiro felt the tides she was battling against getting too much for her and they were dragging her under the surface, down to her own destruction.

Yet she stayed. Against all what reason told her, she stayed. She couldn't leave Kaori alone... alone to go through the immense emotional torment she most certainly had to endure every single day of her life. No, she meant too much for Chihiro. Staring at her packed bags before her, it started to feel like she was simply trying to take the easy way out, to abandon ship when the going got rough, but at the same time it just didn't feel right.

"_Kaorin may be an out-of-control loonie, but she is my loonie never-the-less,"_ Chihiro thought as she ran all her memories of their times together through her head; the first time she met her at grammar school; of all the various escapades they had, both semi-serious and not-so-serious; their different pledges of "friendship forever"; their advancement to high school, which always held a slightly bitter aftertaste for Chihiro considering the present; their life past school, the differing paths they took with their respective careers; the various fights they had usually instigated by Kaori's frustrations and their eventual makings ups usually instigated by Chihiro's goodwill; their moving in together out of necessity... and all the way to the circumstances that led to last night.

All of these thoughts and memories inevitably led to a big jumbled up mess in Chihiro's head that was not used to dealing with complex issues like this, but one thing rang through her mind loud and clear, and that was that Kaori needed her now more than ever before. And Chihiro would never abandon anybody in need. That was a promise she made to herself and she would stick by it no matter what.

Unpacking her bags, she felt a lot more calm and composed having now had enough time to think things through and come to at least some sort of a resolution. Seeing as it was still four in the morning, she decided to take a few hours of sleep at least before she would nod off in exhaustion after the troubles of the day.

- O -

Meanwhile, down in the study, Kaori was still busily writing down her masterwork, having reached the Rex Tremendae movement that she had already planned as a most majestic presentation of the magnificence of God... or, well, rather of herself and a certain raven-haired goddess, but who was going to know that? Her work was getting along quite well... though she had been forced to acknowledge her growing fatigue setting in every now and again as an unfortunate side effect for furiously setting down her ultimate masterpiece with little comfort from sleep (which she couldn't properly enjoy anyway due to her tempestuous mind) and the long hours of self-exertion she pushed herself to endure.

Even as a large part of her was telling her to go forward and not rest, she knew that there was no way she could keep up at the pace she was going without distancing herself from her work at least for a couple of hours. She was afraid that there was a huge chance on her having a nervous breakdown or that her mind would get too muddled up that any attempts at creating anything would become impossible, or at the most optimistic, delayed considerably. She needed to meditate... to clarify everything to herself and find a void of certainty to organize everything methodically. With that resolution she decided that the ensuing day would be donated to the cause of "brain renovation" after which she should be completely revitalised and ready to push the rest of the work to a conclusion.

But considering it was still very late (or early depending on how you look at it), she thought that a little sleep would be welcomed before such a venture. Setting down her pen and flopping down onto the couch, as she didn't really feel the necessity of going upstairs to bed, she started to late-night/early-morning dream about Sakaki... her perfect Sakaki-san. So beautiful and grand... so perfect in every single way. "Ahhh..." she sighed. But unlike during her previous driftings to Dream La La Land, she did not expect that she would be interrupted by an _"Are you happy?"_ question. Suddenly Kaori found herself face to face with Chihiro, apparently standing there where Sakaki had been standing just a second ago.

Kaori's eyes shot open in bewilderment. "What the hell...?" she mumbled. Pushing the thought aside as nothing more but a strange deviancy, she began dreaming again of Sakaki... how her long, silky hair flowed gracefully in the wind and how her deep, steely blue eyes looked, oh so fondly to her... and then she opened her gently smiling mouth and said: "It's already been 15 years. Maybe you should give up..." Suddenly Sakaki was once more gone and Chihiro was again standing there in place of her.

Kaori splurted and sat up quickly, now again fully in the real world. "D-D-Damn it!" she voiced out. "Argh! What the hell is wrong with me? What is Chihiro constantly butting in on my dreams?" Shaking her head a bit, she decided to just flop down on the couch and forget all about even attempting to dream. "Stupid Chihiro... intruding on... my... Sakaki... san..." she mumbled before nodding off out of her exhaustion.

- O -

Waking up from her slumber, Chihiro let out a big, contented sigh. She was really looking forward to a better day than the previous one. The sun was shining and the birds were singing, this seeming to be an usually warm September day. _"So what if Kaorin thinks Sakaki-san is so cool and utterly fantastic?"_ she thought to herself. _"It'__s not as if her lust could ever be more important than our friendship. ...Or at least I hope not,__"_ she added with a little slump in her heart.

Getting up and atom, she quickly dressed and skipped out of her room, feeling that nothing could faze her on this most beautiful day... or at least determined that she wouldn't let anything bother her. That is until she hear Kaori marching at the other end of the stairs and yelling: "Mikuru, we're going for a drive!"

Mikuru just gave her usual, laconic "Hai, mistress," and walked off to fetch the car. Chihiro on the other hand was alarmed at Kaori's sudden decision to go for "a drive". After last night's attack of madness, Chihiro was not really that comfortable about Kaori going out into the outside world. At least not yet. Jumping down the stairs, she quickly pulled open the front door through which Kaori had just disappeared and was just in time to find her stepping into her vintage 1960's Mercedes 600 limousine with Mikuru holding the door open. Before Chihiro could even do anything, Mikuru had jumped on the driver's seat and sped off from the courtyard. Chihiro couldn't do anything else but just look after the disappearing car.

"_I bet that Mikuru-bitch did that on purpose," _she thought irritably, knowing that the loathsome servant had most certainly seen her and must have just ignored her out of spite, quickly whisking her "mistress" away from the "nosy friend". Chihiro could just feel the anger suddenly rising in her chest, a feeling she was not entirely familiar with. "No, I will not let that creepo-girl get away with this," she stated.

Thinking for a while about the most fitting course of action, Chihiro decided to go after Kaori. She had absolutely no idea where she was going or whether she was actually even going anywhere. But she didn't care. She just felt the necessity to go and find her friend, regardless that she was wholly unsure why she felt so compelled to do so.

- O -

Walking down the street, Chihiro was like a woman possessed. She knew it was stupid of her to just go off on a wild goose chase like this, and that nothing would probably happen anyways, but she ignored all those reasonable thoughts. All she felt was to find Kaori and make sure she was not going to do anything stupid or something that could make her condition any worse. Of course, Mikuru would most certainly not allow any harm to befall her mistress if she could help it, but Chihiro couldn't put her trust into the morose girl on any account. "Oh, Chihiro, you're starting to sound like a total loonie yourself," she told herself.

For the better part of an hour she walked all around town, wondering where on earth Kaori could have gone, while her rational mind was constantly telling her to get back to the mansion, as in all likelihood Kaori would return there sooner or later. But the irrational rumbling in her head always got the better part of her. It was only after a little over an hour's worth of searching that she finally spotted what she wanted: Kaori's Mercedes standing on the curb, right next to the Fountain Park where a lot of pleasure seekers and lovers liked to gather at.

Mikuru was seen standing next to the car, stoic as ever, the very epitome of the "faithful servant". And a little way from the car, in the park, sat Kaori on bench, intently watching a couple of retired gentlemen playing chess on a small wooden table. Walking to the park, Chihiro decided to ignore Mikuru entirely, though she could have sworn for a split second the girl had given an extremely irritated look betraying her emotionless expression, and just promptly walked over at Kaori without even wasting another thought on the nasty girl.

Sitting down next to Kaori, she barely seemed to notice her at all, being so closely involved in observing the game. After almost two minutes of complete silence, during which Chihiro felt it best not to disturb her friend, Kaori suddenly spoke up, though still not looking away from the game: "Chihiro, what are you doing here?"

Chihiro thought that maybe she could just give some lame excuse about walking past the park and seeing her, but decided instead to just flat out tell the truth. "I was just worried about you."

"Worried? For whatever reason?" Kaori asked perplexed, turning her head towards Chihiro.

"Actually I'm not really sure myself. Something just told me that you shouldn't be alone."

Directing her gaze back to the players, Kaori answered, "So you just decided to go searching for me and finding me without even knowing where I was going?"

Chihiro felt really stupid after that observation, knowing that Kaori had a good point. All she could do was give a little shrug, prompting Kaori to continue, "But you know I'm not alone. Mikuru's right there behind me," she said, motioning towards her back.

Chihiro had to give a small chuckle when hearing that before saying, "Well, I don't really consider Mikuru to be 'with somebody'. She's not exactly somebody I'd call 'companionable'. And considering how you were acting last night, I doubt she would be able to really handle you."

"Handle me? Chihiro, what exactly are you talking about?"

Giving a deep sigh, Chihiro suddenly started to just talk, "Well... you didn't seem like yourself last night, and something just told me that I should offer my support to you. You know, if you wish to have it, that is. I mean, we've been friends for a long time now and you are very dear to me. And it hurts me to see you going through things that I just don't think are good for you. So, therefore I made a resolution this morning to myself to not leave you alone... and to offer my eternal friendship to you, no matter what happens. It... just felt like the right thing to do, you know? Like when we made that blood oath back at junior high, remember? When we said we'd always watch each other's backs. And... well... I just don't want you to feel bad," Chihiro finished her little soliloquy.

Kaori was quiet, still observing the players and apparently deep in thought. She had never heard Chihiro talk like this. Sure the words were not something she had never heard before, but the delivery and tone of voice was something that just sounded so... different from the Chihiro she knew, somehow more serious and deep.

Chihiro on the other hand was silently congratulating herself. She felt like the queen of the hill. She knew talking like this to Kaori was very uncharacteristic of her, but she was surprised how easily it had all come out, as if the conviction she had of her own goals was something that gave her an overflowing confidence that couldn't be held in, something that had only strengthened during her hour-long search.

After a small silence, Kaori then slowly turned her head towards Chihiro and gave an unexpectedly warm smile, her eyes considerably softening. "Thank you… for worrying about me. Not many do," she quietly said, causing Chihiro to look at her with surprise, but also great relief.

"Eh, no problem," she was content at answering and she gave a goofy smile that completely dispersed her mood of hard seriousness. Directing her attention towards the chess game, she continued in a more light-hearted mood, "So... you often come watching people play chess?"

"Yeah. I find observing chess is perfect for organizing all the loose strands of thought into more manageable compartments by using order and method, the slow quietness and mathematical precision of chess being perfect for such complicated processes needing quiet and solitude to accomplish," she answered, once more directing her attention to the two elderly men playing across from the bench they were sitting on.

"You know you could just watch it on TV."

"Wouldn't be the same thing. I prefer the clear air and sense of presence. You can't get that while sitting inside," Kaori reasoned.

"And it works?" Chihiro asked.

Kaori just grinned and said, "Why don't you try it out yourself."

With that the two friends just quietly continued watching the game, Chihiro to her great surprise finding that Kaori perhaps was right in her assessment and somehow the long pauses of the two players pondering over their next moves was incredibly soothing. _"I must do this on my own sometime too,"_ Chihiro thought.

Some two hours later Kaori felt she had everything in order again and the two of them walked over to the Mercedes, by which Mikuru was still standing like a faithful dog waiting for her master. This thought made Chihiro give a slight amused chuckle in the face of the girl and earning a strange look from Mikuru. Clearly she interpreted the laugh as a joke on her expense... which was of course true, but the realisation she skilfully hid behind her usually impassive face.

It was still enough for Chihiro to feel a slight cold sweat developing on her forehead. _"Okay, maybe I should not laugh at her, or I'__ll find a rat in my soup or something.__"_

Dinner that night was a shaky affair for Chihiro, fearing for some kind of retribution from the young assistant, but at the same time she was feeling relieved. Relieved that for this one day she had been able to spend time with the old Kaori, the Kaori she had become friends with. And this was worth eating a bowl of shirumono with a little bit of spit in it.

_

* * *

Well, that was a fairly straight chapter, designed to not totally alienate Chihiro-chan and Kaori-chan from each other. I don__'__t know if this was too boring in light of the last chapters, but I feel it turned out okay regardless (with much of it being written in a stream of consciousness way). Please, again leave feedback if you so wish to do. Otherwise, hope you peeps at least enjoyed it. :)_


	6. Lacrymosa

_Well, it__'__s been some time since I last updated this story. It__'__s been a strangely difficult one to write and I hadn__'__t really been able to decide what to do with it for the longest of time. And would you know it, when I got my plans fairly clear about this chapter, midway through of writing it I decided to change half of it, and ended on a note I was not intending to. So much for that plan, though the excised material will appear in later chapters now. It helped solve a couple of problems I had, though._

_Likewise I did a small adjustment to the whole story in changing the name Kaorin to Kaori, and only having Chihiro call her "Kaorin". That__'__s just as a small aesthetic switch I feel works better for the dramatic structure of the story._

_Also I wonder has anybody noted that Kaori looks a whole lot like Audrey Tautou in Jean-Pierre Jeunet__'__s movie Amélie? Just kind of struck me when watching it one day... _

_**

* * *

VI. Lacrymosa**_

_Lacrymosa dies illa  
Qua resurget ex favilla  
Judicandus homo reus.  
Pie Jesu, Domine  
Dona eis requiem aeternam._

* * *

Kaori's organisation meditation apparently paid off as she was in considerably higher spirits for the next week. Work came quick and inspired, her set timetable for the preliminary composition before revisions, proofs and printing being well ahead of schedule. And save for a few moments of frustration, Kaori was feeling a lot better than she had for the preceding weeks of frenetic composition, mental trauma evaluation and obsessive compulsiveness.

Chihiro was likewise feeling cheery... well, she almost always was cheery, but now she had more reason to be so. She was pleased for her friend's advancing mental health that was seemingly getting better, as if the main brunt of Kaori's ravings had blown over and whatever else was going to happen couldn't possibly be topped in the scale Chihiro was aware of (which Chihiro playfully referred to as the "Kaorin Scale").

Chihiro now also got the chance to admire the beautiful autumn flora with its multitude of colours adorning everything around her and, now that the mansion didn't seem so cold and dark a place, she could also enjoy walking around in Kaori's expansive garden, listen to the singing of birds and collect the scent of a thankfully happy autumn air where no shadows trespassed the sweetness of a September morn.

But in the forever shifting annals of changing seasons, there was never anything one could say with any lasting precision, not even the behaviour of nature's moods. The surprisingly warm September slowly but surely changed its way to October and along with the new monthly rotation came the bitter swells of darkening days and a melancholy air that seemed to descend over the world as if blanketing the planet into a thick veil of mourning.

This shift was fast and almost supernaturally sinister that it made Chihiro somewhat uneasy. She had never really liked the transition between the sparkling early autumn to the crystal clarity of winter, a period that chased away the brilliance of colour, leaving a gray hulk of a dying world in its wake before all was covered in virgin whiteness and under which the world was then reborn again when moving towards the warmth of summer. But it was that small period each year that Chihiro truly and utterly hated with her entire being. This moody atmosphere also seemed to have an averse effect of the cheerfulness of Kaori and she had regained her somewhat introspective stance that caused her to do little else but wander around the house aimlessly and sit in her study, quietly scribbling away at her progressively darkening work.

Chihiro was startled to note how suddenly the oppressiveness of the house was starting to set down again on its inhabitants and it did make Chihiro dread what might be in store for the future. Kaori's temper tantrums were seemingly getting more frequent, though remaining on the slight Level 2 of the Kaorin Scale, never getting too big, but at the same time recurring more often than was comfortable. The combination of the cold weather, the darkening days, and the work in front of her, Kaori was getting easily irritable, withdrawn, generally a recluse in the works, a mad genius who would probably in her later life either shout at kids to get off her property on Halloween, or alternatively dying abandoned and forgotten in a mental institution; or at least those were frequent elements in Chihiro's nightmares that sometimes haunted her.

What made those nightmares more frightening, though, was that at times they seemed more like very plausible scenarios in her friend's life, and the reality of them always made Chihiro keep Kaori more closely under her observation. Even Mikuru seemed to note her mistress' darkened behaviour by often giving her sideway glances when ever she could, and generally keeping vigilant in her usual understated manner.

But despite this, Chihiro was still not terribly worried, after all she knew how Kaori was prone to indulge in her work, and how her adamant belief in the excellence of her own craft often made her unsociable, shut down and gloomy. So her behaviour was nothing new, all of this usually just blowing past over time, and this she was fully ensured would happen this time as well. However, Kaori herself was considerably less inclined with thinking positively like this. Not because the subject matter of death was so close to her at the present... no. But she was beginning to feel the dreaded symptoms of any artist... uninspiration. Having made quite fast progress with the Requiem, she had reached one of the pivotal movements in her layout, the Lacrymosa, in which she desired to wrench out the hearts of anybody listening to the music with insufferable anguish and sadness.

The only problem was that it didn't seem to materialise, no matter how hard she tried. She wrote and she wrote, then she re-wrote, then she felt disgusted and began again, then she threw away what she had accomplished on the movement prior and began again, then she revised, the she discarded, then she wrote some more and then felt frustrated about not achieving the desired effect... then she sketched, and then she ripped the score sheets into little pieces, fuming out incoherent curses and grunts while aiming a carefully calculated death glare on her sofa and pencils.

"Mediocrity is not an option..."

Following these moments of ravenous self-hatred she had been experiencing for the past few days now, she usually just sat quietly in darkness, staring at nothing in particular, allowing all the dark thoughts in her soul to envelop her very existence. They usually lasted a few hours and then she would either fall asleep or walk in her dark garden. But today was slightly different in that she had decided not to do her moments of introspection within the safety of her own study and had instead taken on to stalking around the house in her darkened mood. The other inhabitants of the mansion noted this behaviour and most decidedly her mood, but decided it was best not to try interact with her... not that Kaori would have engaged in a lengthy conversation anyways even if they did try.

- O -

It was nearing six when Chihiro came downstairs from her room in preparation for dinner that was nearing, dressed as casually as she could in face of the always immaculately dressed Kaori, something she quite enjoyed doing as she knew how her friend was always keeping her attire in perfect order and how Chihiro's styles at times irritated her profusely. Upon reaching the foyer, she decided to wait out in the master living room, but was frozen in her tracks on seeing Kaori standing in the middle of the room as if in a trance. She made no movement, simply stood there staring through one of the large glass windows at the farther side of the room.

Approaching her quietly, Chihiro quietly voiced, "Kaorin?"

No response.

Attempting again a little more audibly, "Kaorin? Are you all right?"

Still no reaction, as if Kaori had not even heard her.

Walking to her side and peering at her face, Chihiro could see that she was apparently engaged in intently watching at something Chihiro had no knowledge of. Trying to look in the direction Kaori was looking at and finding out what was so interesting, she still couldn't figure out what was the object of her friend's concentration.

"Watcha' looking at, Kaorin?" she tried flippantly asking, hoping to see some acknowledgement that her words were heard. Whether she wanted to hear what Kaori had to say was of course another matter entirely when in fact she did begin to speak.

"Chihiro... have you ever wondered about the fascination of darkness?" Kaori said off-handedly, still keeping her eyes focused in the window.

"Um... I guess... that is... no... or.... not really," she stammered, wondering what the question actually was all about.

"I have. All the time. It is constantly plaguing my mind. It is a human condition that is the most interesting facet of study than almost anything else I know of the human psyche. The dark is often feared... often demonised. Made into a fearsome thing as if the dark could... rip you apart limb from limb if you are not careful. As if every dark thing that hides in there are just waiting to pounce on you when you let your guard down. Therefore people's senses are always on their guard in the darkness. Therefore they try to ward away the darkness with lights and enchantment of comfort even in their very own homes, where they know nothing bad can happen. Ever seen how in a darkened room a person is more likely to wrap up into a ball state on a chair... not to have the feet touch the ground in fear of being grabbed from underneath where your eyes can't see?"

Chihiro didn't really know what to say so she just kept on looking at Kaori's flickering, yet almost black eyes.

"They also find comfort in stars during night time. Stars illuminate the black sky with their own light and again granting a feeling of cosiness and sense of security... but when the sky is clouded over and you can't see them... that's when the old fears of horrifying, hellish creatures come back to haunt you at the back of your mind. 'Like one, that on a lonesome road doth walk in fear and dread, and having once turned round walks on, and turns no more his head; Because he knows, a frightful fiend doth close behind him tread...' And when you get back home from the darkness, you are more than likely to shower yourself with as much light as you can, to drive away the horrible monsters that have followed you to your doorstep. Superstition? Or the power of primal senses? 'And its voice was the voice, – so it seemed to me, - of Earth's primordial mystery...' "

After that Kaori was again silent. Chihiro however was severely unnerved. She didn't quite know where all this talk about the darkness and freakin' monsters lurking in the hidden recesses of some forest or something was coming from. But if there was one thing that was plain as day to Chihiro, it was that she was now scared enough to pee in her pants. The combination of Kaori's quiet recitation of the horrors of fear while unflinchingly standing still and staring out the window to the slowly darkening night filled with monsters with a quietly burning gaze was enough to make Chihiro get goosebumps and visibly shiver with fright. She had always hated scary movies and when stuff like that entered her perfectly real world... well, it was just something that should not happen.

"_There are no ghosts. There are no monsters. There are no frightful fiends stalking behind you when you walk alone on a dark road, it'__s just a poem! Everything is just fine. There__'__s nothing to fear. Nothing at all. Nothing, nothing, nothing...__"_Chihiro kept reminding herself with her eyes unconsciously closing. "_It__'__s just one of Kaorin__'__s wild fantasies again.__"_

"Dinner is ready..." Mikuru said.

"GAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!" Chihiro screamed, whirling around and jumping away from the intruding voice, eyes wildly staring in fear.

Mikuru was quite taken aback by the sudden action, not really expecting Chihiro to suddenly scream in her face and jump away like that, her eyes slightly widening as if in preparation to defend herself against a sudden assault or something.

Kaori on the other hand was entirely unfazed and simply quietly responded, "Thank you, Mikuru," without even moving a muscle from her previous position.

With that, Mikuru turned around, still adorning a somewhat puzzled and apprehensive face over the shorter-haired girl's most odd behaviour and, as quietly as she had appeared, disappeared again into the kitchen area.

Chihiro slowly got over her shock and resumed a more natural stance, quietly cursing in her head how that hideous servant girl always had to be like some sort of a ghost, vaporising out of nowhere and scaring her half to death, and how she wondered at which point in her life did she sign up to become a cast member on some weird version of Wuthering Heights, complete with the whole gothic shebang. All that was missing was an organ and a theremin...

While so musing, Kaori suddenly flickered back into her more normal appearance and turned around to go towards the dining hall. "Chihiro, you coming?" she asked.

Chihiro snapping out of her daze simply gave a confuddled look.

Kaori seeing this reiterated, "Food."

"Oh, yeah... right... Be right there," and with that she quietly tagged behind Kaori for some nourishment, a hopefully welcome burst of normality devoid of ghosts and goblins.

Well, the dinner was partially what Chihiro had wanted, save that Kaori seemed to prefer to be quiet and thoughtful, causing the entire dinner to pass in an oppressive silence and brooding gloom. Mikuru, who upon Kaori's adamant insistence also ate with the two, was quiet as always, but if ever there was a time Chihiro would have welcomed even the conversation of the young girl, she would have accepted it with glee. But now the silence was simply stifling her. But neither did she want to begin a conversation either, particularly after Kaori's little episode earlier, Chihiro fearing that something like that would come out again, so the meal went on in a lonesome silence with only the clatter of silverware on plates making conversation.

The dinner finally over, Chihiro was never more happy in her life, and she couldn't get away from the scene fast enough, though not wanting to seem anxious and somehow disturbed... even as she was. Pausing for a while on the doorway, Kaori quietly caught up with her and after a little while of standing beside Chihiro murmured, "You know, I do believe a storm is coming."

Sure enough, the distant sounds of a thunder could be heard. The night would be violent, a nature's foreboding showing of power, and this was definitely not something that Chihiro needed right now. "Great," she grumbled. "You know what, Kaorin, I think I'll retire early tonight. I'm feeling a bit tired."

"Okay. Whatever you want, Chihiro" Kaori answered. "I think I'll try working over the night, so I won't be needing you to be around anyway." With that Kaori turned to go towards her study, but paused for a bit before doing so and said over her shoulder, "Just be mindful about not letting your thoughts wander too much. The storm can make one's mind do strange things. And that's when the inner demons get free reign. Sleep tight."

After saying that, Kaori turned around and walked off into the darkness, leaving Chihiro watching after her, strangely uneasy about the approaching night that was only intensifying the dread she was harbouring in her heart, a dread so intense that she could just feel her body tremble, and turn her skin cold and clammy.

"_Sleep tight, indeed. Thanks so very much for that, Kaorin." _

_

* * *

Well, there you have it. The whole "darkness" stuff was not originally supposed to be here, but when writing it, I wanted to make a gothic chapter out of this to which the original ending no longer fit. But now I have a lot more fodder to use for later chapters, so that__'__s a good thing._

_Music of choice tonight: Mahler__'__s Symphony no.6 "Tragic", one of the bleakest musical expressions I know of and I just love it to bits._

_Feedback is always appreciated, of course, since I like to know if this story is progressing fine or whether at some point I__'__m doing something wrong. Until next time!_


	7. Offertorium

_This chapter turned out to be very different than what I originally planned and all the material I excised from the previous chapter for use here is now actually moved forward yet again to the next chapter, which is the last point I can use it in. So that__'__s set in stone._

_Also I__'__d like to mention that the Kaori-chan appearing here was partly inspired by InvaderKap__'__s __"__Winter Demon Kaorin__"__ puppet with buttons for eyes, though not really being a copy of that version. But thought it__'__d be safe to mention._

_And there__'__s also inspiration drawn from the finale of Hector Berlioz__'__s Symphonie Fantastique._

_Anyways, enjoy this chapter!_

_**

* * *

VII. Offertorium**_

_Domine, Jesu Christe, Rex gloria,  
libera animas omnium  
fidelium defunctorum de poenis  
inferni et de profundo lacu.  
Et signifer sanctus Michael  
repraesentat eas in lucem  
sanctam, quam olim Abrahae  
promisisti et semini eius,  
Domine, Jesu Christe, Amen._

* * *

The following night did nothing to alleviate Chihiro's fears and anxieties. The storm Kaori had mentioned had indeed come down on the house and it had come down hard. The winds were howling, the rain was beating its heavy, blistering drops into the windows and the thunder crackled and rumbled with the violence of a band of furies screaming of death and destruction, while throwing lightning down on the ground in a massive showing of power.

Chihiro had gone to bed several hours prior to the actual breaking of the storm, but to her consternation had not managed to get any sleep. Any time drowsiness came creeping on her she was jostled awake by yet another moment of brainstorming clarity of Kaori's creepy words invading her consciousness. Then the storm had come...

Now, laying awake in her bed and listening to the sounds of the raging storm, Chihiro was as stiff as a plank, with thoughts of monsters and ghosts swirling in her head as stalking her just outside the window. She was almost sure that should she look outside, she could see indescribable shapes and characters standing outside in the yard, under the cold, black branches of leafless trees.

So powerful were the images in her imagination that she was starting to shake with fear and apprehension of something looking at her from where she dared not look. Not to mention, Kaori was alone working in her study behind large panes of glass that were easy to break... And when the things got inside, then all of them would become part of the headlines of magazines and newspapers.

"_MYSTERIOUS DEATHS IN THE HOUSE OF A FAMOUS COMPOSER! _

_All inhabitants, the famous composer K--- Aida, her friend C--- Inoue, and their young assistant were found mysteriously dead this morning with not a mark on them. Apparently all three had simply stopped breathing with horrified looks on their faces. Police is baffled...__"_

Giving another creeped out shiver, Chihiro tried pushing those thoughts as far away as she could and turned on her side, facing away from the window.

"_No... nothing like that is going to happen. It'__ll all be just fine, Chihiro. It__'__s just your mind playing tricks, that__'__s all. There are no monsters outside. It__'__s just wind and thunder and lightning and rain. Nothing at all to fear...__"_Chihiro kept reminding herself.

After another hour of twisting and turning under the covers, Chihiro finally managed to slip into an uneasy sleep. Unfortunately it was not long before any sense of peace was shattered from her mind when a shrill cry of horror attacked her ears.

Waking up with a jolt, she to her great puzzlement found herself in a strange and bleak place of darkness and blackness, surroundings that were somehow ominously enticing... scary yet beckoning.

"What's going on? Where am I? What is this place? How did I end up here?" she murmured to herself.

Looking around she could see dim shapes and shadows flitting past everywhere - nothing solid but always something that seemed to exist only in the corner of one's eye... all of this accompanied by weird noises and sounds that Chihiro would have rather blocked out if she only could have.

"_Noises... strange, otherworldly noises I'__ve never heard before,__"_she continued ruminating while throwing her head from one side to another... from one direction to another. _"__Groans over there... high pitched laughter in that direction... horrid shouts somewhere in the distance... shouts that seem to be answered by nothing more than other tortured shouts._

"_Dark... everything is dark... and gloomy. All that I see in the murk are black shadows... shades and monsters roaming around the unseen vistas of whatever lies behind this blackness. Am I dead? Or is this a dream? ...Somehow this doesn'__t feel like a dream..._

"_And this most certainly is not my bed. A coffin... a coffin where my body is placed in."_

Looking over to the dimming distance, she spotted an old signpost:

'_WElcOMe TO THe FUNeREaL of INOuE ChiHrO, the poor soul of life__'__s torment__'_

"_...says the sign hanging from the rotten wood of a wooden portal in the mist, appropriately misspelled. My funeral...? How can I be here? How am I stuck in my own funeral as a spectator? When did I die?"_ she wondered. _"And what of my participants? Where is my family? My friends? Nowhere... Not even Kaorin? All the participants seem to be nothing more that monsters and otherworldly creatures dragged from the depths of hell itself._

"_And of course, the guest of honour... ME! Participating in my own funeral like the guest body in a sick game of whodunnit," _Chihiro kept droning out to herself in her mind, a narrator of events she was stuck in observing.

"Hello, Chihiro," suddenly came a voice from behind, a voice most familiar.

"KAORIN!" Chihiro shouted, swirling around and jumping out of the casket. "Kaorin! Oh, thank goodness you're here. I'm... I'm not sure what's going on, but you gotta help me! I can't be dead, right? Right?" Chihiro pleaded.

"Why Chihiro. Of course you're dead! I mean, this is _your _funeral, after all," Kaori responded almost too cheerfully. "But don't you worry. Of course I wouldn't miss it for the world. You are my best friend after all," she concluded with a big smile.

"No... No no no no no! I'm not dead! I'm not... I'm not. I'm not! Kaorin, can't you see that?" Chihiro tried again more desperately.

"Oh, my. Chihiro. You must be in denial. Certainly you must realise when you are dead and when you are not?" Kaori responded with mock concern, a slightly patronising look painted on her pale face in which black eyes flickered with a silent flame. "Why, I even wrote you a Requiem to celebrate the occasion. Do you want to hear it? It is the best thing I have ever created. It has ten pairs of timpani."

Chihiro's head was beginning to spin. She didn't know what was happening or how could she be dead. She had just gone to sleep and now she was here. It just had to be a dream... it just had to.

Kaori was still silently grinning in front of her, amid those shapes and spectres that flitted through the mist. Suddenly Chihiro heard the sound of a bell coming from behind her. Turning around to see the source, she spotted the dilapidated ruins of an old church, an ancient reminder of past glories of religion, now abandoned and left to decay.

The funeral knells...

Without even realising it she started approaching the church, walking along with the ghosts and with Kaori following close behind. Stepping through the towering, crumbled entrance, a band suddenly struck out the old Dies Irae melody Chihiro knew well, since it was once used by Kaori as the basis of one of her works. Now it was being played like a welcoming march for Chihiro... and played badly, a grotesque and sardonically mocking semblance of a ritualistic tune, devoid of any meaning past a joke, a parody of religious rites.

With the whole host of hideous phantasms watching her, among them the withered down masks of her old friends of Tomo, Yomi, Osaka and others, sitting grinning at her beside walls painted in blood, she suddenly felt two hands settle down on her shoulders.

Turning around, she could see the grinning Kaori... but yet not the Kaori she knew. There was something altogether more demonic about her, the way that grin was almost painted on her, and how those eyes of her's were looking tenderly at her, but with a blackness that held no warmth, just a jeering madness that made her look like a demonic puppet.

After staring at her for a short while, Kaori suddenly crashed her lips straight into Chihiro's, making her gag in surprise. From there Kaori started exploring the various parts of her face, her nose, her brow, her cheeks, her chin, licking and kissing them, and then proceeded to move down on her neck which she nibbled a bit, causing Chihiro to shiver a bit, but also to her surprise enjoy it to a degree she had never really expected to feel, her entire body heating up in a rush of passionate emotion.

"You like that... don't you... Chihiro?" Kaori slowly mumbled, her face still buried in the crook of Chihiro's neck. "You want me... don't you?"

"Kaorin... I... I..." Chihiro spluttered.

"You do. Don't you... Chihiro? You have wanted me for so very long, haven't you?" Kaori continued. Chihiro could do nothing more than give small moans and mumbles, when Kaori kept talking. "But... you know that is just daydreaming? Don't you?" Another bite on the neck and a moan. "Because you could never have me. Never. You are not Sakaki-san. You will never be on her level. Never..."

Chihiro was truly hurt in hearing those cruel words. "But... but why...? Why must it always be Sakaki? Why?" Chihiro mumbled, tears starting to spill from her eyes. "She doesn't even care for you. I've always been there for you. Why can't you see that? Why..."

"Why..." Kaori whispered. "What do you want Chihiro?"

Silence.

"What do you desire?"

Silence.

"Do you want love?"

Sobbing.

"Do you want companionship?"

More tears.

"Do you love me?

Hot tears streaking across Chihiro's face.

"Do you love me?"

A haunting image of Sakaki standing farther off near the exit, her eyes flickering of jealousy.

"Do you love me?"

Kaori's hands on her back.

"Do you love me?"

"Yes..."

"...Liar."

And with that her sharp claws sunk into Chihiro's back, Kaori's head shooting up to face her's, but changed into a grotesque monster of a demon-Kaori with a mouth filled with jagged teeth and her eyes horrifyingly wide open with blood-red irises and pupils staring into her, while her mouth was letting out an inhumanly high pitched scream that soon mingled into the deranged scream coming out of Chihiro's own as she shot up sitting in a tangled mess of sheets and linen from her familiar soft bed, soaked in sweat.

Panting heavily and eyes wide open, her eyes soon darted towards her door that shot open and revealed a distraught looking Mikuru, clad in a full-length pink night gown, obviously on her way to bed - late as always - when hearing Chihiro's scream.

"Is everything alright?" she asked a bit anxious.

Chihiro stared down at her for a while, trying to figure out where she was and what just happened, while at the same time being struck with the peculiar image of the usually calm and composed servant girl clearly worried and dressed in a fluffy nightgown so totally uncharacteristic of her usual sense of dark attire.

"I'm... I'm fine... Just a bad dream," Chihiro mumbled.

"Do you need anything?" Mikuru asked with a marked concern in her voice.

"No, thanks. I'm fine," is all that Chihiro felt inclined to say.

Lingering a while longer at the door, Mikuru added "If you need anything, just call me," after which she quietly withdrew from the room.

Being left alone in her dark room again, with the storm still howling outside, Chihiro slowly started to get to terms with her experiences and realised that the horrific scene she had just witnessed was indeed nothing more than the deranged imaginings of a tired mind.

Still, she didn't feel any less alleviated, the nightmare having been so potent that Chihiro's head was still spinning with the remnants of cackles, disembodied words and blazing red eyes. Chihiro had honestly never experienced a nightmare quite that powerful and scary before and it was not only the images of death and hell that bothered her still, but the small inkling of some more important questions that had unexpectedly arisen.

"_What do I really want from Kaorin? I'__ve known her for a long time, but really... do I want more from her?__"_

"_Do you love me?"_

"_Yes..."_

"_Do I love her? Or do I LOVE her?"_

"_...Liar."_

"_No..."_

"_What do you want Chihiro?"_

"_What do I want?"_

"_What do you desire?"_

"_I want... I want... I... I... don'__t know.__"_

"_You want me... don'__t you?__"_

"_..."_

"_Don'__t you?__"_

"_...Maybe"_

"_You are not Sakaki-san."_

"Kaorin... why can't you just give up?"

- O -

The following day opened to a sunny and dewy morning, wet and calm after the violence of the night's horrors. It took all of Chihiro's energy to drag her sore and tired body out of bed and downstairs for breakfast. At the same time she might as well offer Mikuru a bit of thanks for bothering to show at least some care last night when she could have just ignored the whole issue. _"Well, maybe she'__s not _all_ bad.__"_

Kaori on her part had stayed awake the whole of the night, but still had had no success in crafting a continuation to her masterpiece. Instead she had sketched ideas for the other movements she still had to compose music for, but still it nagged her that she couldn't pull out of her the sense of sadness she wanted for that blasted Lacrymosa.

As per usual with her, she had not went to bed and instead was still asleep in her study, leaving Chihiro eating alone the little breakfast Mikuru had prepared. Chihiro was still bothered about the questions of the night, but being the kind of person that she was, she didn't want to give them too much thought. Thinking about confusing stuff like that was just not something she was good at and they didn't fit into her simple, perfect world.

Spotting Mikuru coming into the room from doing whatever little chores she always does, Chihiro thought it a good chance to take her mind off from the bothering questions for a bit.

"Ah, say Mikuru," she called out as she was about to pass her by.

Mikuru stopped and turned towards her in expectation, "Hai?"

"So... how's Kaorin doing?" Chihiro said the first thing that came to mind, realising that she actually hadn't thought up any really good opening lines for the girl who, despite her young age, was one of the most un-communicative people she had ever met.

"The mistress is doing fine I believe," came the answer, the girl clearly not thinking of saying anything more and only expected to be dismissed.

"Yeah... yeah. Sure. I'm sure she is, yeah. Ehehehe..." _jeez this is going well._ "So you... do you have any plans for the day?"

"No."

"Oh... Okay. Ah... well, so how've _you_ been doing?"

"Good."

"…Right. Ummm... nothing special happening then?"

"No."

Chihiro should have thought of some other way to get her mind off of things than to try and speak to Mikuru, a task that was seemingly proving to be ridiculously fruitless, as she sadly was starting to think.

Mikuru on the other hand was just passively staring at Chihiro, quietly thinking where the short-haired woman was going with these nonsensical questions.

"Quite the storm last night, wasn't it?" Chihiro valiantly pushed forward.

"It was rainy," came the understatement of the year like the most humble confirmation to a piece of fact ever presented in any media. Certainly she'd make a horrible reporter.

"Any damage to the house?" Chihiro pushed.

"...mmmm..." Mikuru put on a thinking pose.

"_Ah, a lengthier sentence? The storm did something to the house?"_

"...No."

Chihiro slammed her head on the table. _"It'__s just no use...__"_Admitting defeat, she decided to put an end to the "conversation". Honestly, a pinball machine would be a better talking companion. "Okay, you can go, Mikuru. Oh, and Mikuru!" she added when the girl was about to continue on her way, "Thanks... for last night. I appreciated your concern."

Mikuru just looked at her with her never changing expression and said, "It is all right. Hope you are fine now."

"Yeah... sure. I'm okay," Chihiro said.

"Good," Mikuru was content at answering. And just as she was about to walk off, she hesitated a bit, looking somewhat bothered before adding, "You know... ummm... If you... want to... uh... talk... or something... that is about it... the dream I mean, then... maybe I could... uh... listen...?" she finished with effort.

Chihiro was genuinely surprised. The girl had never, ever made a single attempt to be really friendly towards Chihiro outside of being coolly civil. And it was clear that it was a bit uncomfortable for Mikuru too to make such a bold suggestion.

"Ah... well. I'd... I'd... really appreciate it," Chihiro responded with a soft smile.

Mikuru was content at just nodding and offering a very small, but still discernible smile, before walking off to some other part of the house.

"_Indeed, maybe she'__s not really _all_ bad as I've thought before,__"_she thought while sipping her coffee.

_

* * *

Well, this was a really fun chapter to write. The whole nightmare thing was in fact originally part of another fic that I never used since I deemed it no longer fit the original story and it was left as a torso of an idea. But I__'__ve always wanted to use the material somewhere and I have always wanted to do a real nightmare scene, so the way the last chapter shaped out, I got my perfect chance here. Not to mention the opportunity to explore another facet of Kaori__'__s insanity that wouldn__'__t really work in real life was an added bonus._

_Also the whole Mikuru conversation thing was really ad libbed here as it didn__'__t exist in any of my original plans, but it gave me an opportunity to draw out the story to a point that I have now restructured a lot of ideas into new places. I__'__m also thinking of giving Mikuru and Chihiro a bit more together time so that their relations won__'__t be that hostile anymore. Maybe I__'__ll even put a little backstory on Mikuru, which is more than I ever really planned for the character. But it gives me more material to use. :)_

_Anyways, hope you liked and feedback as always is welcomed._


	8. Sanctus

_Again, this chapter turned out nothing like it was supposed to. For one, a big climactic scene was supposed to be here, but as the chapter length was approaching the 5000 word mark, I decided that it would be best to cut this chapter short and move that original ending as the opening for the next chapter and do a little more tinkering on how I__'__ll play it now than what I was going to do originally. Also I have now decided to revert back to my original ten chapter plan as looking at my general layout, I don__'__t think that I could sustain the material of my finale into two full chapters. So I__'__ll combine the two final chapters and see if I need to do an eleventh as that was originally there just for safety__'__s sake as I didn__'__t know what was going to happen in the story... and a lot of in-writing changes have happened it__'__s incredible. Anyways, enough of this and on with the next instalment of __"__The Sanity of Insanity__"__. Enjoy._

_**

* * *

VIII. Sanctus**_

_Sanctus, sanctus, sanctus, Deus Sabaoth.  
Pleni sunt coeli et terra gloria tua.  
Hosanna in excelsis._

* * *

After finishing her breakfast, Chihiro felt at least a little bit better and rejuvenated after her night terrors began to subside in the face of the beautiful sunshine that for once came to illuminate the dank and dark atmosphere of the dreary October. Not to mention, the few words she managed to exchange with Mikuru just a few moments before had given her a small sense of secured contentment that made her view the assistant a little differently than with the rather rigid coolness she had regarded her in the past... a feeling which most probably was reciprocated on Mikuru's part as well. Or not. It was so hard to tell.

Deciding to check up on Kaori, who had said she would be staying awake for the night in face of the storm, Chihiro made her way to Kaori's study from where her friend had not moved since entering it last evening.

Giving a gentle knock, she waited for a response only to be faced with nothing at all. Trying a little harder and still getting no response, Chihiro quietly opened the door and took a peek inside. Within she could immediately see why Kaori hadn't answered as she was fast asleep on her sofa, totally oblivious to whatever else was taking place around her.

"_She seems so peaceful..." _Chihiro mused with a gently affectionate smile on her face. "_I wish she could always be that calm. Seeing her agitated like she often is, it__'__s just so heartbreaking. I just wish I could think of a way to help you somehow, Kaorin.__"_

Taking a long sigh, Chihiro then withdrew from the room, leaving the tired Kaori to continue her slumber in the tranquillity of the morning sun shining through the large study windows.

Unknown to Chihiro, though, Kaori's sleep was far from being tranquil and peaceful as it outwardly seemed. For within Kaori's head, another of her own nightmares was currently raging an unyielding battle Chihiro had absolutely no idea about.

Kaori's nightmares, however, were not of the same kind of highly pictorial and gothicly romanticised ones Chihiro had suffered over last night, but they were possibly even more unnerving. See, Kaori's sickly twisting mind and feverish storms that forever turned and churned her brain upside down, were translated into vicious sounds... loud groans, screeching violins, churning basses, out-of-tune French horns, and the atonal static of a string quartet, similar to the one that had once plagued composer Bedrich Smetana when he was going deaf, all of this making her dreams uncomfortable and painful.

But those were not the worst of it, for on top of those there were the voices... always the voices. They'd whisper; they'd scream; at times even laugh. Most of the time they were only that... voices, but sometimes they seemed to form coherent words, words that in the end would not mean anything sane or understandable. These always horrified Kaori more than any of the other elements in her agonised dreamscapes that were not inhabited by the rapture she could get from her own music or the saving appearance of Sakaki that sometimes gave a moment of happiness. Kaori always hoped Sakaki would appear more often in her dreams and give her imagination a small moment of bliss, but most times she would not come, leaving only the horror of the voices echoing through her ears.

For the casual observer, Kaori probably seemed like she was not bothered by anything in her sleep, but if one only cared to look closer, one could see her eyes tightening, her mouth twitching in displeasure, and her fingers at times tensing and scratching the fabric of her sofa in the midst of the cacophony of earsplitting noise that enveloped her cranium. This was one thing Kaori had never told Chihiro anything about, and that was they way she wanted to keep it. She knew Chihiro worried about her too much already, and Kaori certainly didn't want to burden her even more with these troubles of her's.

- O -

Totally oblivious to all of this, however, Chihiro was undergoing her own mental storms as she, even as hard as she tried, couldn't get the bugging questions out of her head that had so bothered her in her nightmare. Namely she was thrown into confusion about what Kaori really meant to her. She had always considered her as a close friend... indeed her best friend, but whether there was anything underlying that... something possibly deeper, she was for the first time in her life unsure about her own feelings.

"_Okay, let'__s look at the facts, shall we,__"_Chihiro mulled over her head. _"Fact One: I am Kaorin'__s friend. Hey! That was easy! Okay, now Fact Two: we have been friends for a very long time, surely she__'__s my oldest friend. Right, so that__'__s established. Fact Three: I__'__m pretty sure Kaorin likes women.__"_

With that thought Chihiro had to pause for a bit due to venturing on paths she felt a bit uncomfortable setting out on, her face flaring out into a deep crimson blush.

"_No, no, no, no! Chihiro, this isn'__t the time to get embarrassed. I need to think this through! So, okay... Kaorin__'__s a... eheheh... lesbian...__"_furious blush, _"S-so, where'__s that leading to? Fact Four: I__'__m a woman too..._

"_Ummm..._

"_So what the heck am I thinking? That Kaorin perhaps has some feelings towards me of the romantic kind? Well, she sure hasn'__t shown any, so that__'__s hardly a reason for me to dream about such things. Or is it the other way around? That I have feelings for Kaorin? ...That__'__s just... not like it at all! I mean, I__'__m not into women. I care about Kaorin, but I don__'__t love her like that... not at all... do I? Or do I?_

Taking a while to slip into a void of thought, driven forward by her new thoughts swirling in her head without a clear direction, her mode of thought being lost at sea without shore in sight, Chihiro walked around the mansion's front yard without really even looking where she was going. It was a few moments deeper into her bopping around the grounds that she came to a sudden halt and fixed her eyes somewhere farther off that she made the adamant resolution that she was going to sort this thing out even if it was the last thing she did.

"_I am going to sort this thing out even if it'__s the last thing I do... _Whoah. Déjà-vu." Thus, pumped up with her new resolve and charged with energy she had never experienced before, she clenched her fist, stared at it for a while as if in gathering power, and then pumped it high in the air yelling: "I am going to work it out!"

"Of course you will, dearie," came a friendly female voice to her ears.

Snapping out of her daze, Chihiro noted she had just wandered out to the front gate and had just shouted out as an elderly woman was walking past.

"Ehehehe..." Chihiro nervously laughed and scratched the back of her head in embarrassment. "S-sorry."

"No need to apologize... it is good to have goals in life after all," the granny responded, continuing, "It is best to act now, because when you are dead you will not have another chance. And you never ever know when your time is up." After giving this sound advice the granny just started giggling, her head oddly bobbing on her thin neck, a look of almost demented lunacy shining in her eyes.

Chihiro was severely unnerved by this sudden sight of horror in her vision and began slowly backing away from the gate as the granny just continued her giggling and staring straight at Chihiro. That was the last straw. Chihiro had had enough of this, so she quickly turned away and, as if hell's fires were on her tail, she ran into the house as fast as she possibly could. Reaching the front door and glancing back, she noted the granny had disappeared from the gate, but that didn't make her feel any better until she managed to fumble her keys into the lock in the front door and slammed the door shut tight behind her.

"Why, oh why, must these things continuously torture me?" she sobbed, breathing in exhaustion. "I haven't done anything wrong! I'm a good girl. Why must these ghosts hound me so," she said to no one in particular. Honestly, as much as Kaori's mental state was a continuous question mark, Chihiro was seriously starting to doubt her own state of mind, none of it helped by the events of last night, or indeed the last couple of months.

"Are you all right?" came a sudden voice out of nowhere.

Chihiro gave a scream as she swirled around, her hand shooting over her pounding heart, until she recognised the unemotional face of Mikuru's standing under the shadow of an alcove. Feeling her heart lowering from her throat she yelled, "Don't do that!" - an exclamation which seemed to completely pass Mikuru by. Sighing calmingly, she followed her moment of agitation with a slight nod and said a faint "I'm fine…" to answer the question Mikuru was apparently still expecting an answer to.

It was at that point that Chihiro thought that this might actually be a good time to try and have that little talk Mikuru had offered. After all, it would probably ease her mind some by unloading her dreams to someone... anyone for that matter, though Kaori was probably not a very good person to entrust the dream to. But the silent girl would at least be willing to listen if nothing more, and Chihiro supposed that was really better than nothing.

"Say, Mikuru. If you're not too busy, how about that talk we agreed on earlier?"

"...Hai," Mikuru gave the expectedly unenthusiastic reply.

- O -

Finding a quiet corner in one of the parlour suites, Chihiro and Mikuru made themselves comfortable on one of the soft couches... or well, Chihiro tried to make herself comfortable with little success while Mikuru sat upright as if she had a pole tied against her back. If a week ago somebody had predicted these two would be sharing a couch together like this, such a remark would have probably been met with roaring laughter.

"So... hehe... here we are..." Chihiro began and then fell silent. She had never understood what exactly was so difficult when it came to talking to this girl, but here the same thing was happening all over again. Mikuru of course said nothing, only stared back with a coolly expectant look.

"So... ah... I wanted to talk... about... well... you know... hehe..." Chihiro attempted again, only to halt again with a big blush. _"How hard can this be!"_

"The dream...?" Mikuru hazarded.

"Yes! The dream! Yes. Well it's like this... ummm..."

"..."

"Well, see... uh..."

"..."

"Well, it started like... that is..."

"...Please. You can tell me anything. I promise I won't tell anyone else if you don't want me to," Mikuru said rather encouragingly, though her tone of voice never changed apart from a very small inflection that was easy to miss, but one that Chihiro managed to spot due to the necessity of learning to spot these little changes of tone in the generally reticent girl's mode of address.

Taking a deep breath, Chihiro decided that if she was going to do this, then she should just go ahead and tell the dream. Just get it out and not worry about trying to make conversation. Giving Mikuru a hard, determined stare, she just stated, "Very well. I'll tell you the whole dream. And I'll spare no detail."

For the next half an hour or so, Chihiro went on explaining her dream, from waking up in a coffin in her own funeral, to the monsters, the surroundings, the church and its insides, and then, most importantly, every gory detail of the Kaori in her dream, from the mocking stares to the bloody eyes and sharp, demonic mouth. Once she was finished with her explanation, she finally asked, "So... what do you think of it?"

"...I don't know. What do you think about it?" was the only answer Mikuru gave.

Not the answer Chihiro was hoping for. Indeed that was perhaps the farthest of all the answers Chihiro was wanting. "What do you mean what do I think? Don't you have any opinions or ideas about it? I mean, if I knew what it meant, would I be asking you?" Chihiro loaded her frustrations on the poor girl.

Mikuru looked totally non-plussed, though, and just calmly droned, "I'm not a psychologist. I would not hazard a guess on something so abstract or subjective. Trying to find a meaning within a dream requires to take a lot of factors into consideration, not least being the mental state of the dreamer and what that person has gone through for these thoughts to take pictorial form. In fact, the dream may not actually mean anything at all. Maybe it was just an accumulation of your experiences and thoughts moulded into one big giant manifestation of accumulated circumstances. Your memories combined with the events of the recent past may just have been looking for an outlet to get out and clear your conceptions of extraneous and piled up feelings, ideas, fantasies and stress. Thus you had a nightmare. If there are specific meanings you are searching for, then you should see a proper psychologist who could tell you better than I can. After all, I'm just a personal assistant," Mikuru came to her conclusion.

Chihiro was stunned. She had never in her life heard Mikuru speak so much and with so much apparent thought and analytical prowess. In fact, had Mikuru not every now and again said a word here or there, Chihiro could have thought she was mute or simply retarded or something. Frankly, it was Chihiro who was feeling a bit retarded after having all of that wash over her noggin. "Wow. Mikuru, I never knew you could say anything so intelligent and thoughtful."

Mikuru just looked away, saying frowningly "You make that sound as if I'm stupid…"

Chihiro was again slightly taken aback. Was that... sadness she could hear in her voice? Had she just insulted the girl? "I'm... I'm sorry, Mikuru. I... I didn't mean it like that."

"No. It is all right. I'm used to people thinking that," she said somewhat melancholically.

"What do you mean... you're used to it?" Chihiro asked, her curiosity peaked for want of perhaps finding out what had suddenly created this undercurrent of regret into the girl's normally even voice.

"…Well. I guess there's no harm… telling… Inoue-san. Umm… I don't know if you've noticed… that I'm not a particularly... sociable person…" Chihiro quietly nodded. "So, I never really had any friends. Everybody always considered me as a freak... Or something else not as nice. So everybody rather stayed away from me and kept their distance for fear of either wanting to be associated with me or just so they could continue ridiculing me behind my back... Of course I knew all about it, but I never said anything. I just tried not to let it bother me. That was how the majority of my life was... And I accepted it as such. Like something I didn't have any control over anyway.

"Then, when I applied to become a personal assistant, I managed to get top scores for everything that I was required to do… but when I tried to get a job, nobody wanted to hire me. I tried so many places and they all turned me down. I was almost ready to give up when I tried, as a last resort, applying here. I wasn't expecting anything to come out of it, like it was the case with all my other interviews, but… then I met the mistress. She was… different to all the others I had met. She didn't ask the same questions everybody else had. Neither did she look like she was disgusted with me. She spent a lot of time just looking at me and when two days later I got a call that I was hired, I couldn't believe it. I almost thought it was some kind of a joke and that I was being teased again…

"So, when I got here the first day, I asked why was I of all people chosen when so many others had rejected me immediately, and she just told me because I was the best one. Just like that. Heh... I must have looked so confused at that point since she then told me something I shall never forget. She said, 'Why would I want to hire some fancy dunce who'd quit the moment things got a little tough for her? Let people like that serve the unimportant, shallow people. The unremarkable idiots. You are the only one of the ones that came to see me here who left an impression on me. Something to tell me that you would be able to cope with the revelations I am aspiring to create. I could see from the start that you were above all that street trash with their perfect little practiced smiles and fake enthusiasm. You don't pretend. I like that in a person. And that, in my experience, is also what makes you the best and most trustworthy of the choices I had. Public opinion means nothing to me. I'd rather have the outcast than the social flower, because invariably the outcast has a lot more to offer than the popular choice. And I appreciate your quietness and candour. It eliminates a lot of possible future issues I might have. So don't ever think I have made a mistake with you, or I'll throw you out so quickly you don't even have time for your head to start spinning. Is that clear?'

"It was then that I made a promise to myself to never let the mistress down and to serve her for the very best of my abilities. I owe her so much, and if I ever ended up causing her disappointment, I don't know how I could ever face her again. She gave me a life with a purpose, and she gave me something I was missing for so long... friendship... respect... appreciation... a... family. A sense of belonging somewhere. So… it's just… a little bothering… for me to be thought like… a dumb person… or a… freak… or something… I… I hope you aren't offended by me saying this… Inoue-san…" With that Mikuru fell silent, her head having progressively gone lower so that she was now gazing at the carpet, seemingly either terribly embarrassed or then ashamed at her own audacity of speaking of matters such as this to a friend of the mistress.

All this time, Chihiro has been listening completely captivated. Within just the space of a few minutes she had learned more about the morose and unemotional girl than she had for the entire time Mikuru had been working for Kaori. Indeed more than she had ever suspected to get to know or to hear at all. She also felt a pang of guilt for her past behaviour towards Mikuru herself and how she had slotted her as something false and nasty. Thinking she was weird and freaky and cold. But maybe that was not at all the way it was.

Having heard of Mikuru's difficult past from her own lips, Chihiro could not be further moved. She had never even given a thought as to where this young girl had actually come from and what she must have endured in her solitary life considering the way she was. It made Chihiro feel so remorseful about what she had thought before about her that she could have just smacked herself silly. But, taking the other route, she instead unexpectedly jumped toward Mikuru and wrapped her up into a deep hug, the only action she could think of doing since words seemed too inadequate and she really didn't know what else to do... but feeling she must do something.

Mikuru was a bit shocked by the sudden moment of somebody clinging onto her body like that, her face changing into several shades more red, but she just allowed Chihiro act out her whim, no matter how uncomfortable it made her feel. After about a minute Chihiro released Mikuru, feeling a strange sense of happiness and closeness to the formerly cold and unemotional girl. To discover that she actually had a heart and feelings was worth for Chihiro to having to endure a terrible nightmare and the agonies that brought out. It was then and there that Chihiro made a promise to herself to never again think badly of the quiet girl. And that would be a promise she'd keep.

_

* * *

Well, there you have it. I promised in the last chapter that I__'__d probably make a foray into the history of Mikuru that I have been forming in my head over the writing of this story and, seeming as I don__'__t know if I__'__m ever going to use her again, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to indulge in a little character building. Hope worked out satisfactorily._

_By the way, the __"__granny episode__"__ I thought up as a joke that Chihiro__'__d shout something only to have some passerby respond to her. But then I thought I__'__d just put a little twist in it. Was she just a regular person? Or a ghost? Indeed, was she even there, or is Chihiro starting to crack up too? If you__'__ve never written psychological horror before, do try. It__'__s really fun!_

_Anyways, feedback is always appreciated. Be seeing you. (--)_


	9. Agnus Dei

_A quick update here, since I already had about half the chapter written as I explained in the last chapter. I think the original concluding point works just as well as the beginning part, though, so there were no problems encountered (thankfully). Be warned, if you__'__re a fan of either main character, this chapter may not be the most pleasant thing to read, but this is a hugely important moment for the story and I had to put this stuff in here._

_**

* * *

IX. Agnus Dei**_

_Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi, dona eis  
requiem sempiternam.  
Te decet huymnus, Deus, in Sion, et tibit reddetur  
votum in Jerusalem.  
Exaudi orationem meam, ad te omnis caro veniet.  
Requiem aeternam Dona defunctis, Domine, et  
lux perpetua luceat eis, cum sanctis tuis in  
aeternam, Domine, quia pius es._

* * *

After going about their own businesses again after that little heart to heart moment, Chihiro greatly moved and Mikuru very embarrassed and flustered, mumbling her apologies for not being that accustomed to such human showings of affections, Chihiro decided to go check on Kaori once more as she was sure she had woken up by now.

Sure enough, as she approached the study, she could already hear Kaori banging the hell out of Beethoven's Appassionata on her piano.

"_Uh oh... that doesn'__t sound too good,__"_Chihiro thought, knowing whenever Kaori was feeling less than friendly, she had a habit of giving other people's music a good piece of her mind.

Regardless of the hazard, Chihiro still ventured into the lion's den. Stepping inside, the scene was certainly just as Chihiro expected it would be, meaning Kaori looked fully intent on destroying her piano and what better than Beethoven to accomplish the task, though it was doubtful even old Ludwig Van really had quite this in mind.

Amidst all the mayhem Kaori was generating, she didn't fail to notice Chihiro's presence and irritably asked, "Yes? Is there something you need, Chihiro?"

Jumping a bit at suddenly being addressed like that, Chihiro quickly replied, "No, no. Nothing at all. I… I was just w-wanting to see how you were d-doing and if you had a good s-sleep…"

No sooner had those words slipped out of Chihiro's mouth when Kaori slammed the keys of her piano and stopped playing, shooting a glare at Chihiro. "Did I have a "good sleep?" A _good _sleep? Well, since you ask, no I did not have a "good sleep." In fact I had a dreadful sleep. My head aches, my body is hurting, my mind is a mess and I can't get this stupid Requiem to work! So no, I'm most certainly not doing very well at all!"

Kaori's irritable mood made Chihiro back off a little, but at the same time she felt like she really should offer something for Kaori to get out of this mode of thought.

"But surely it's not all that bleak, is it? I mean, for one, it's a beautiful weather outside _(minus weird ghost hags) _and the storm is gone, and the future can only be getting brighter..." Chihiro said with a bright smile.

"Stop it, Chihiro!" Kaori interrupted, "I know what you are doing. You're trying to make me feel better with frivolous subjects that have as little bearing with my present condition as a monk wanting to have sex. I appreciate the thought, but there's nothing you can say that can make me feel better right now."

"Yeah, sure. I bet if Sakaki said those things, you'd be happier than a..." Chihiro began joking, but the very mention of the name "Sakaki" suddenly made Kaori's eyes light up with more animation that caused Chihiro to quiet down and ask, "W-what?"

"You know, I think you may have something there, Chi-chi," Kaori said while getting up and walking over to her desk. Picking up a manuscript, Kaori proudly stated, "This'll make me feel better. The Ode to Sakaki-san!"

"_Oh, no!" _Chihiro inwardly groaned. She hated the "Ode to Sakaki-san" with a passion. She had long since stopped counting how many freaking times she had heard that innermost confession of Kaori's feelings towards Sakaki. You see, Kaori had a long time ago decided to put all of her feelings down on paper and compose music around it. It was her most prized composition she had ever written and one that nobody else outside of the inhabitants of her house had ever heard, a point Kaori was certain she was going to maintain. But for Chihiro it was rivalling her nightmare in "things that make me suffer". And now she had very foolishly snagged herself into hearing this hated piece yet again.

Kaori on the other hand was totally transformed and now began enthusiastically playing on her piano and singing:

"Oh, Sakaki-san. You are so cool and so fine. I love you more than my own life! If only I could roll up with you I'd be in heaven itself. Sakaki-saaan! How much I love your beauuutiful hair and deep eyes! Oh, my Sakaki-san..."

Chihiro could only cringe. If there was one form of torture that she thought was closing on inhumane, this was certainly it. She couldn't deny that the music itself wasn't bad, in fact it was pretty good, and Kaori's singing was far from disagreeable, but the words were absolutely horrendous. Kaori might have been a great composer, but a wordsmith she certainly wasn't. I mean, even a grade schooler could have written better lyrics. I suppose if you didn't know any Japanese, then the song would have sounded a lot better than what it actually was, but Chihiro knew all too well the words and what they meant to their composer. And frankly Chihiro was starting to get pissed off. Seriously. She had really had enough. After years of being exposed to this thing, she was honestly ready to snap.

"Sakaki-san I love youuuuu!"

Chihiro walked up to Kaori and slammed her own hands on the keys, causing Kaori to jolt out of her ecstasy.

"Wha-what the hell are you doing, Chihiro?" Kaori yelled.

"You know, I've taken a lot from you but I've never objected or made a big deal out of it, but this is getting ridiculous! Sakaki is never going to love you! She doesn't even notice you! It's all a big fantasy... a dream that will never happen! And this stupid piece of your's is just as equally ridiculous," Chihiro yelled.

"Chihiro..." Kaori warned with menace.

"No! You're going to listen to me and I'm not through yet! You know you've been going through this stuff for years now, and what has it got you? Nothing but misery and madness and stupid dreams! It's a stupid dream. When will you realise that? Sakaki doesn't love you! She never has and she never will! She has never even noticed your existence! And you're just deluded if you think otherwise, so this thing isn't even funny anymore!" Chihiro raged.

By now Kaori had heard enough. She jumped up and yelled back, "That's not true! You're just jealous! Jealous of my devotion to Sakaki-san! Just because I can be devoted to somebody like this, you automatically feel inferior and get the need to admonish me! And since you don't have anybody you love, you can feel all high and mighty with your denunciations! You and your little hypocritical view of the world where everything's so perfect! You and your flowers and sunshine and all the rest of that crap! I love Sakaki-san, and your little sanctimonious attitude can just go straight to hell!" Kaori screamed.

"Oh yeah? Well guess what! There is somebody I care for! And that's you! That's right! You! Even if you don't deserve it! I've tolerated a lot from you to maintain this friendship and all you can do is piss on that! So whose being sanctimonious here? I'll give you three guesses and they all point to you!" Chihiro continued her attack.

"Hah! Some big words you got there, Chihiro. After all I've done for you. You know, when you had that big falling off with that one boyfriend of your's, I was there to comfort you! Me! And when you set up that little flower boutique of yours, who gave you a loan to get started? Again me! And when your house burned down, I was the one who opened my doors to you, no questions asked! I've been nothing but supportive of you and now you feel like you can just come and dictate how I should live my life! You have some gall!" Kaori shot back.

"Supportive? You? You haven't given two times to our friendship to save your life! You know, I don't know how many times I've listened to _your_ laments and problems without expecting anything back! And because I've wanted to be a good friend, I have tolerated your obsessions! But enough is enough! You know... you know what Sakaki is really? Huh? Nothing but a cold, uncaring, stony bitch! That's right! And you're a fool if you believe otherwise! So what do you say about that?" Chihiro snarled.

Kaori's eyes suddenly flamed up and, instead of responding with words, she simply slapped Chihiro right in the face. To Kaori, anybody insulting her wonderful Sakaki-san was crossing the line big time.

Stunned for a while, something inside Chihiro's head then snapped and she did something she had never done to anybody else in her entire life, something she had never even contemplated on doing, and slapped Kaori right back in the kisser.

That was enough for Kaori. She had had enough of Chihiro's disrespectful behaviour and lunged right into the girl with full force. The suddenness of the attack caused both of of them to fall down on the floor, but it wasn't long before Chihiro got her bearings and started struggling with Kaori.

The two rolled around the room, knocking down tables and dropping books off of bookshelves, grunting and thrashing about as if there was no tomorrow. The two even threw a couple of punches into various parts of their bodies. When Chihiro managed to climb on top of Kaori, the underpinned woman did the next instinctive thing and kneed Chihiro in the gut. Wheeling around a bit from the sudden loss of breath, it gave Kaori enough leverage to turn the tables and flipped Chihiro on her back, in turn getting on top of her body.

By now Kaori had lost a lot of her reasoning powers and was reduced to an almost animalistic state as she in her rage grabbed Chihiro's neck and started strangling her friend. Kaori's vision was blurred by rage and twisted mania, not even hearing the choked pleas of Chihiro as she was struggling against Kaori's firm grip.

Chihiro was horrified. She had never seen her friend loose herself so completely and now she was strangling her. She tried to untangle Kaori's hands, but couldn't find the strength to do so, while all the time she could feel how it was becoming harder and harder to keep on breathing. It was at this moment that Chihiro realised that she was going to die now... here... killed by her best friend. And all because she had wanted her friend to get better again and become the person she used to be before the whole Sakaki madness. It was a moment of sadness that Chihiro was certain not to miss. _"This is it? This is how my end comes? Kaorin... why..."_

Just as she was throwing away her last vestige of hope, she suddenly heard the frightened gasp of "Mistress!" reaching her ears, a voice that at that moment sounded like the heavenly chorus of angels.

Kaori snapped to at the sudden intruding voice of her trusted assistant, and looked up to her. It was then that she realised that her hands were wrapped around something and, looking down, to her horror realised it was none other than Chihiro. The shock was instantaneous and Kaori immediately let go of Chihiro's neck as if it was suddenly burning hot and she stumbled back in the room, her spine hitting her big oak desk. Slipping down to sit on the floor, she was shivering and shaking, her eyes wildly terrified and teary. She couldn't believe what she had just been doing. _"I... I could... I could have... have... have killed... I..."_

Chihiro on her part was slowly getting up into a sitting position with the help of Mikuru, who was carefully inspecting any damage incurred on her new-found friend. Chihiro, though, was looking up at the shivering wreck that was Kaori. Kaori looked back at her, shaking her head lightly and mumbling "Ch-Ch-Chihiro... I... I'm... I'm sor-sorry... I didn't... m-mean... I didn't..." while hot streaks of tears were falling from her eyes.

Chihiro said nothing, not least because her throat was so sore that she couldn't have spoken even if she wanted to, but it was also because she really didn't want to say anything. Instead she just looked at her friend with a strange mix of pity and sternness. Standing up with the help of Mikuru, she cast a final glance towards Kaori and then walked away with the servant, leaving Kaori alone clutching her head and crying over the horrific thing she had become.

- O -

It had already been over ten hours since the nearly fatal encounter between the two women, and neither had seen each other since that incident. The sun had long since set and the outside air looked hostile and unwelcoming. The coldness and darkness had set out again with ever increasing intensity, bringing a mournful veil over the atmosphere in and around the house.

Following the confrontation, Mikuru had taken Chihiro to a more secluded drawing room and seen to it that she was not suffering from any serious injuries. After that she had prepared a special herbal tea of apparently her own invention to help the swelling go down. To Chihiro's amazement, the drink really did make her feel a whole lot better, easing the burning and swelling sensation in her throat.

After that Mikuru had left to see about Kaori, leaving Chihiro alone to think about the consequences this incident was sure to raise. She still couldn't fully believe what Kaori had almost done. The utter look of unrestrained fury she had had when she was strangling Chihiro was so completely devoid of any reasoning that it made Chihiro feel more afraid for her friend's health than ever before. The topmost fear she had was that Kaori's mental state had already deteriorated so badly that there was barely no hope left for her ever recovering again.

But even more so than that, Chihiro was for the first time wholly unsure about where she stood in regards Kaori. For one thing she wanted to be angry with her and leave her as a futile project she could never fix in her life. But on the other she couldn't lay all the blame on Kaori either as she was well aware of Kaori's mental condition and how she had really pushed her into loosing any semblance of self restraint with her words.

To leave would be an easy solution, but then again she had promised to never abandon Kaori, to help her through all the rough waters. Besides, just going away seemed merely a sad attempt at pushing the unpleasant things out of her mind and life, a cowardly way of hiding from anything that was disagreeable. And that was not something Chihiro felt comfortable enough to do. Not to Kaori.

Indeed, if there was one thing Chihiro knew was clear, was that the following path she was going to choose would largely determine the future of not only her own, but also Kaori's.

Now, sitting up in her room at this late hour, Chihiro still hadn't been able to come to any definite conclusions about what she should do. Certainly both options had their plusses and minuses. To leave would essentially be better for Chihiro emotionally since she would not have to deal with the mental torture of Kaori's insanity. But could she leave Kaori to deal with this alone? Frankly, Chihiro couldn't justify to herself such a resolution. But then again, could there actually be anything she could possibly do? Was she just fighting a losing battle? Or was there some solution to her problem she just couldn't see? _"Well, I wish what ever that hidden solution is, it would present itself sooner rather than later."_

Suddenly Chihiro was broken out of her thoughts by a gentle knock at her bedroom door. Figuring it might be Mikuru coming to check up on her, she called the person to come in, but was instead greatly surprised to not find Mikuru standing there, but the meek and shattered form of Kaori.

Kaori had also been doing a lot of thinking and in the process had become more and more dejected as the thoughts of her past conduct came flooding in. She had been going through a lot of what Chihiro had said to her earlier and the truthfulness of her assertions were attacking her brain like the onslaught of several nuclear bombs. She was quite simply ashamed out of her mind.

After a short silence, Kaori just quietly said "Hey," not really knowing what else to say.

"Hey," Chihiro answered back, offering her friend a slightly questioning look. It was obvious to Kaori that Chihiro was not expecting her to come by, whether that was a good thing or a bad thing.

Unable to look Chihiro straight in the face, Kaori turned her gaze to the ground and quietly started, "Are you all right?"

Chihiro nodded.

"Oh... oh, that's... that's good," Kaori continued. "Mikuru said as much, but I wasn't sure..."

Chihiro still said nothing.

"Chihiro. I... I'm... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry, Chihiro. I... I don't know what came over me. I could have... I... I almost..." Kaori tried to articulate, but her confidence had reached an all time low, her voice faltering into sobby tears.

Chihiro didn't quite know what she should say, but on seeing how broken her friend was, she couldn't help but sympathise with her. Getting off of her bed, Chihiro felt she had to comfort Kaori somehow as seeing her like this was just breaking her heart.

"Kaorin..." she started with a lot of sympathetic kindness shining through. "Kaorin. It's all right. I'm fine. I'm perfectly fine. It's... it's all forgotten, okay..."

"No. I... I don't deserve your kindness," Kaori sobbed. "I could have killed you! I... I almost killed..."

"Kaorin... I... I know you didn't mean it," Chihiro said.

"That's no excuse. You're right. I haven't been a good friend to you in a long, long time... and me attacking you just proves it... I'm... I'm a... despicable human being... I don't deserve any love or happiness or friendship... If you want to leave, I can fully understand," Kaori mourned.

"Kaorin... that's not true. I mean, sure you're difficult to get along with at times, but you're really a great person..." Chihiro started but was again cut off by Kaori.

"No I'm not. I'm a hateful person. I don't care about anybody but myself. I... Sometimes I feel like... like maybe I should just end it all. I'm sure this world would be a lot better place without me..." Kaori said, only to be interrupted by Chihiro in her turn.

"Kaori! Don't ever say anything like that again," Chihiro said very slowly and stressed. "Don't ever think you should end your life! You know there's a lot of reasons for you to live for."

"Like what?"

"Like... the beauty of the world..."

"The world holds very little beauty for me."

"...Your music..."

"I really couldn't care less about it now... or that accursed Requiem, for that matter."

"...Or your reputation..."

"Like any great artist is a dead artist?" Kaori added bitterly.

"And then what about us?"

"What?"

"Do you have any idea how much you mean to us? To me? And to Mikuru?"

"I..."

"That's right. You know you mean the world to me. You're my oldest and best friend since forever, and you mean so much to me. I couldn't bare to lose you. Not now, not ever. And Mikuru? I mean have you noticed she practically worships the ground you walk on. I bet she could not live without you, either. Literally."

This made Kaori quiet down and look at her friend in surprise. Did she really mean that much to them? That they'd genuinely miss her? That they possibly could not be able to cope without her? But why? It seemed so totally unbelievable, yet Chihiro seemed truly sincere.

"Chihiro..." was all Kaori managed to say.

"Don't look so surprised, Kaorin. I'm not making it up," Chihiro said as she approached Kaori. "Your life does mean a lot to us. Do you remember when we were still very young; we promised to be friends forever. We even made a blood oath. And you were so afraid to cut your own finger, so I had to do it and then we had to go to the emergency room when I accidentally cut you too deep. But even then I told you I'd never let anything bad happen to you. And now, 20 years later, here we are still. Still just you and me. So don't think that will ever change, or that I'll leave you all alone. Me and Mikuru will always be there for you when you need somebody. You just need to believe in that. And trust us," Chihiro said, confidence exuding from her voice.

"Chihiro... I... t-thank you," Kaori quietly said, her eyes now pooling with tears.

"Any time," Chihiro responded and pulled Kaori into a deep hug, filled with warmth and friendly affection.

It was a feeling Kaori had not experienced in a long, long time, and it really felt good. For the first time in a long time she actually felt _good._ And that was more than she could have ever asked from her life riddled with suffering and dark thoughts.

"Does... does that mean... you accept my apology?" Kaori asked.

"Of course I do, silly," was Chihiro's smiling answer.

- O -

Later on, after leaving Chihiro in her room as she prepared for bed, Kaori ventured once more down to her study. She looked around her quiet surroundings she was so used to from her nightly toils. Walking to the centre of the room, she noted how everything seemed to be in as good an order as it was before her near fatal brawl with Chihiro. Certainly Mikuru's touch was visible as the girl most certainly couldn't have left the room to remain in its messy condition for long, causing Kaori to give a small smile in note how she most certainly had not made a mistake when hiring the young girl at her house. _"I think I really should give her a raise for all she'__s done for me... even beyond her actual duty.__"_

Taking a further look around the room, she then walked over to her piano. Upon reaching it, she noted that the "Ode to Sakaki-san" was still there, the notes on the manuscript shining in the pale light of the moon that filtered through the large windows.

Taking the manuscript in her hand, Kaori looked it over. She felt the paper, thought over the notes, and most closely, the words. A moment of hollow emptiness suddenly overcame her. This little piece of music had always meant so much to her. In it she confessed something that nobody would ever know about. Her undying love for the great Sakaki. Yet, looking at the music now, she felt nothing. It was as if in the short space of the day, the piece had lost its meaning, become a relic of something that neither had any value or power of feeling. An empty, frivolous creation that meant as much as the melting snow in the warmth of summer.

Walking over to the room's fireplace, she looked at the small flicker of flames that were still burning in it, like it always was. Taking one last glance at the manuscript in her hands, she hesitated a bit and then, without further thought, threw the piece of paper into the flames where it slowly started to char in to an unrecognizable, black lump.

It was then that she stepped over to her desk, took out a piece of empty staved manuscript and wrote a small line of music, simple yet sad, an allusion to all things lost, in fact a minor-scale variation of the "Ode to Sakaki-san's" main melody. A melody that yearned for one to take a hold of the person most important to one and hold on to that person as if letting go would mean losing that person for all eternity.

"That's it... that is what I've needed... the Lacrymosa," Kaori said to herself, while a small tear trickled down her cheek in the dark and lonely study filled with the haunting moonlight of the cold night outside.

_

* * *

Whoowie! I__'__ve never written a fight scene before and I__'__m not really sure how well it turned out (it__'__s not really my forte), but I think it__'__s not absolutely terrible. Man, I__'__ve been fearing to write that one for so long. And I must admit, I did feel a bit sorry for having to write such a scene between Chihiro and Kaori, but I had to do it._

_Also this chapter once more turned out totally differently than I thought. Originally I was for the longest time going to have Sakaki come on over at Chihiro__'__s bidding and crush Kaori__'__s affections to pieces once and for all, but the forgiving scene was just too perfect a way to tie up the whole thing that I threw the whole Sakaki-idea right out of the window at the very last moment. A major plot element, gone like whoosh! But I do think the conclusion this way is much more classy than in my original intent. I hope you think so too! Cause I do. One more chapter to go!_


	10. Lux Aeterna

_Well, teetering on the verge of whether to make this into a ten chapter story, or an eleven chapter one, I have now come to the final conclusion of splitting this finale up into two sections due to the fact the two sections are shaping up to be sufficient in length to cover up two full chapters. So essentially you could say this a bit of a two-parter finale, but not necessarily._

_Also I__'__d like to make it official here, that this has seemingly turned into a Chihiro fic. It started out as a Kaori fic, but as much as this has dealt with Kaori__'__s rising insanity, it has also dealt a lot more on Chihiro__'__s battle to remain sane and at the side of Kaori, she in the end having become very much the driving force behind this whole story._

_Anyways, let us continue on our path to reach the concluding stages of the insanity of Kaori Aida... well, at least as far as this story is concerned. ;)_

_**

* * *

X. Lux Aeterna**_

_Lux aeterna luceat eis, Domine,  
cum sanctis tuis in aeternum, quia pius es.  
Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine,  
et lux perpetua luceat eis._

* * *

The dramatic results of yesterday were still slightly reverberating around the house the following morning. Kaori was once more sleeping in her study after having spent the entire night writing the long, elusive Lacrymosa, now finally receiving the form that Kaori so wished it to have. And in the fireplace the remains of a manuscript had already long since crumbled into dust. In a way, she was feeling a whole lot more relaxed and calm, though at the same time tinged with a small sense of sadness and guilt, but not to the extent of causing anxiety or distraught emotions. In fact, for the first time in a while, her sleep was peaceful and the voices were silent.

Likewise, at the same time, Chihiro was catching some well deserved sleep after the rollercoaster ride of emotions yesterday. After Kaori had apologized to her and left, Chihiro had remained awake for a long time in thinking over her relationship with Kaori once again. Surely, whenever she seemed to have put something solid down in her mind, things always tended to turn into the opposing direction to throw everything into chaos once more. With Kaori and Chihiro's fight, the largest they had ever had with each other, Chihiro had almost resigned to the fate that she could never get the old Kaori back again... until Kaori had regained her more stable frame-of-mind and shown up to give a genuine apology that indeed touched Chihiro very deeply.

Now, Chihiro was feeling as if the wheel had turned a full circle and the two now stood on the verge of returning to business as usual... shaken up, but alive. It was already nearing noon when Chihiro finally began waking up to the stillness of her room. Blinking the haze of sleep from her eyes, she immediately sat upright so as not to get the urge to fall back asleep again.

While occupied in shaking her body back into action, her eyes happened to dart to the black clock shaped like a cat on the wall opposite her bed, quietly ticking away the hours of the day with its tail swinging below and its white eyes moving from side to side. It was the only thing she had managed to save from her old home before the fire had consumed everything.

"_Why on earth did I save that clock of all things," _Chihiro wondered to herself. _"I could have taken anything of more value, but instead I grabbed a silly cat clock... Why was that... What was that again? Mmmm... Ah! Oh, yes. Now I remember. Of course. Kaorin'__s housewarming present...__"_

Chihiro could remember it like yesterday. Kaori had come in all smiles and happiness and presented a clock in the form of a cat... _to keep you company and at the same time save on expenses on actually having a real pet... not to mention it__'__ll always keep you in time with your cute side. _Chihiro couldn't help but giggle at that memory. It was a stupid reason to have one of those things, but then again Kaori always did have a salty sense of humour that Chihiro appreciated. Not only that, but quite possibly it was that clock that actually had saved her life.

She still remembered how that night she had been unusually jolted awake by the sudden "meow" of the clock striking two. She had never before been woken up by that, but this time it was almost like destiny or something as she immediately smelled smoke. She had forgotten a candle she had propped up that evening alight downstairs amid all the plants, and it had snapped in half, causing the whole boutique of flowers to catch on fire. It didn't take long for the fire to spread, and by the time Chihiro became aware of the situation, it was already too late for her to do anything about it. Instead she had just grabbed the clock and escaped the house by lowering herself down the balcony.

Why exactly had she grabbed the clock she couldn't explain, but as the rising flames had engulfed everything she had, that clock was the only thing that remained unharmed and, supposedly, Chihiro had always felt a bit thankful to the silly thing for still being alive, which at the same time in a way rounded its way to Kaori herself, since it was she who had given it in the first place.

Feeling an air of warmth overtaking her upon those memories, Chihiro gave one last fond glance towards the black cat clock, threw on some tousled clothes and headed downstairs.

The house was once more quiet and seemingly like a tomb without the cold, marbled solemnity of being in one; a respectable and dignified abode with plush furniture. Chihiro often wondered how the house itself often seemed to have almost a mind of its own, somehow feeding into the situations of its mistress' state of mind at each given time, whether it be foreboding heaviness or chirpy lightness. Now the static air that hung in the ceilings was bringing into Chihiro's mind the stillness of a mausoleum without the grief associated with those places. Even Mikuru seemed to shine with her absence, though that was nothing unheard of, but now there didn't even seem to be that ever tangible feel of her being around somewhere keeping an eye out for the breathing of the house. _"Oh well, she'__ll probably vaporize from somewhere given time... scaring me crazy while she__'__s at it no doubt.__"_

The feel of the house at that very moment was enough for Chihiro to momentarily loose any sense of direction she had and she wasn't sure what she should do now that she had stepped outside her comfy room. She probably should eat some late-breakfast, but she wasn't feeling particularly hungry. Neither did she feel like going outside for a walk, or read a book, or doing anything else for that matter. It was as if that static air was causing a vacuum inside her brain that denied any sense of proper action.

Therefore, instead of even attempting to think up of things to do, she just took up to wandering around the house. Making her way through the various corridors and rooms, peeking here and there, looking out of windows, popping a lollipop in her mouth as she passed through the kitchen, and other such assorted loitering tasks, she eventually ended up in the master living room. There she leaned up on one of the couches and let her eyes wander around the room, finally locking on the rather grim looking portrait of Kaori that hung above the mantelpiece. Chihiro had never really liked it as she didn't feel the imposing façade really looked like Kaori at all as she knew her, but in its way it went with the rest of the decor better than a happy, smiling face.

"Why can't you be happy, I wonder?" she asked the portrait as if expecting the painting to jump up like in a Harry Potter book and give an answer to her. "As if you liked the gloom and tragedy so much, yet... I doubt you really do. You know why?"

The portrait didn't answer.

"Cause, I know you, that's why. And you're not really that way. Are you?"

Still silence.

"No answer? Well, I guess not. You're more impossible to talk to than Mikuru. Though I think I've cracked that one up at least slightly recently. What do you say about that? Nothing? ... Hehe... Hmmm, maybe you're right. It is awfully silly of me to talk to a painting, isn't it? No wonder you don't answer. Guess Kaorin may be rubbing off on me... fingers crossed, okay?" she finished with a crooked smile.

While thus engaged in debating with the deeply burning eyes shining from the canvas, another sensation suddenly came flooding to her; that of music. Evidently coming from Kaori's study, Chihiro quickly ascertained that Kaori was in the house as well and working as usual. But the sounds this time were not of sadness or fiery destruction, but of the most untold serenity and beauty. The gentle flowing of the piano in a ceaseless flow of harmony, fluid and unforced, was mesmerising Chihiro to a degree that she felt the need to go nearer the source.

Quietly moving to the open doors of the study, she peeked inside and found Kaori playing on the piano with her eyes closed, just as she expected, and softly singing some requiem passage she was apparently just improvising.

"_...libera animas omnium, fidelium defunctorum de poenis. De poenis inferni et de profundo lacu..."_

As she watched her friend so deep in her own world, she suddenly felt extremely relaxed. It was exactly these kinds of moments that Chihiro could feel a sense of warmth just flush over her. It was a most beautiful thing to hear. It was like an aura of light was enveloping the funereal feel of the house Chihiro had been feeling just a moment ago, making her head swirl in clouds of pure joy.

And seeing Kaori content, creating music and song from her heart so effortlessly, was just something that Chihiro had always liked ever since they had shared close bonding moments in their past as Kaori had played her guitar and sang when they were camping in the woods or something. Nothing complicated, just the free flowing of a heartfelt melody shared by two friends, one creating, the other receiving, something that had seemingly grown more and more rare as time had gone on as Chihiro often lamented.

"_...Et signifer sanctus Michael. Michael repraesentat eas in lucem sanctam..."_

Now, seeing Kaori displaying that same kind of freedom of soul, was causing Chihiro's eyes to water with the salty tears of affection; of the close feeling of witnessing a dear friend being able to leave behind the shackles of her past anxieties and surrendering entirely to the pure expression of emotion; of being able to be happy for her friend.

It was at that same moment of clarity that everything all of a sudden seemed to become a lot clearer to herself as well. Suddenly everything seemed to make sense where no sense was to be seen previously.

"_Yes. That'__s it. I can__'__t believe how hard it has been for me to realise before but the answer is so obvious. Yes. I do love Kaorin. I really do. I don__'__t care whether it is romantic or just the love of a close friend who__'__s been there for me from my early youth. No, that doesn__'__t matter. The only thing that matters is that I know I love her, and I will always love and care for her. The form is not important, only the emotion. And that is all that is important..._

"_Kaorin... I love you. And I promise I'__ll love you till the day I die. That__'__s a promise I shall never break. Never. And you__'__ll never need to feel alone. I__'__ll always be there for you, no matter what. Even if you loose your mind completely and utterly. Chi-chi__'__s word of honour.__"_

Not daring to break Kaori's serenity, Chihiro then just smiled, turned around and walked off, feeling happier than she had felt in a while, content at her own new-found resolution. She'd always love Kaori. That was a fact. Maybe not romantically, but love her she would regardless and nothing would ever change that.

- O -

The January morning was blisteringly cold and all the people walking outside the comfortable warmth of their homes were dressed in layers of clothing to shield their bodies from the pains of frost. The ground was covered by a thin veil of snow, never something that was a truly lasting feature in Japan, and the world traversing past this landscape of chills was languid and almost stationary past the excitement of the recent Christmas and the New Year celebrations, with people getting back to the everyday grind of their lives.

A contrast to the people outside was Kaori as she sat at the back of her Mercedes' soft and warm chair, thoughtfully resting her head on the window and watching the passing streets with its people. After nearly three months of composing the Requiem and yet another month or so of proofs and revision and orchestrational changes, effectively causing her to miss Christmas altogether despite Chihiro's valiant attempts at taking care of that part, the Requiem was finally finished.

Work had been relatively easy since her episodes of September and early October, the lack of inspiration along with all the various other issues that had plagued Kaori throughout the difficult creative process, had in the end levelled her mind enough to finish the dark work with only a few, slight moments of insanity that had passed as quickly as they had come.

Chihiro had in the intervening time been keeping Kaori under close scrutiny and stayed as close to her as much as she could without causing disturbance or aggravation. Her realisation of wanting to offer Kaori the kind of friendship that would lead to no doubts of her loyalty had taken the course of her trying to accommodate and soothe Kaori's wavering mental state to a degree she had not done before. But Chihiro did not grouch. She was actually happy to do it, as if making herself able to feel important in Kaori's life and, whenever Kaori would offer a small sign of gratitude, a smile or a little word of thanks, it would make all the difference in the world for Chihiro.

But now, with the advancement of the unveiling of the Statue of Woe looming close by, so had come the time to start rehearsals of the Requiem of which Kaori was now on her way to oversee. As the car gently moved forward on its soft suspension, Kaori suddenly broke the silence that had been complete through the entire journey.

"Mikuru..." Kaori said absentmindedly.

"Hai?" came Mikuru's usual answer from the driver's seat.

"Do you think this is a good idea?" Kaori asked.

"What is?"

"...To go see about this work. To be exposed to it in this form. Alive... and breathing..."

"...Everything will go fine," Mikuru reassured Kaori who was obviously not feeling all that thrilled to come face to face with her creation, a creation that had taxed her so very much to the point of out-of-control delirium.

"Mmmm..." she mumbled before falling silent again. Over the course of going through the growing pains of the mass, Kaori had slowly been feeling as if this work had become something a lot more than just a bunch of notes and time signatures and words strung together. No, it was as if it had become a monster just waiting to swallow her up. And it frankly terrified her. There were times when she wished the whole thing was never commissioned from her, or that she hadn't accepted, but unfortunately, she was now stuck in having to confront it in all its terrible might. She only wished it would not cause her weak mental barriers to collapse under this immense strain.

"Mikuru... I can... trust you, can I?" she finally asked.

"Of course, Mistress. I will be right there for you," Mikuru told Kaori, her sincere eyes reflecting from the rear view mirror. After a small silence, she added, "You know, you don't _have_ to do this."

Kaori just wearily glanced back, and said, "Yes, I know. But at the same time, it's something I feel I have to do."

Mikuru just nodded and turned her attention back on the road once more, leaving the rest of the journey to unfold in silence.

- O -

Stepping inside the performing venue, Kaori looked around in apparent appreciation. Located in a nearby church of the eventual unveiling celebrities, the place certainly was spacious and comfortably seated at least 300 people. It was chosen as the perfect place to offer both the dimensions required for the performance as well as the convenience of being close enough so a separate stage was not necessary to be built.

At the same time, though, Kaori couldn't help but be a little amused by the whole idea. It had always struck her as so ironic that for a nation that had not really welcomed outsiders invading Japanese culture until the mid-19th century, the place was now so open as to welcome every single thing coming from somewhere else, including religion and then freely adapting all those outside influences into the make-up of their own world.

It didn't bother her, really. As far as she was concerned, everybody was free to think and do whatever they wanted, but nevertheless it always felt so funny to her how an entire nation had had such a drastic change of heart in such a generally short period of time. Not to mention, she wasn't particularly spiritual herself, so to write something like a Requiem was a double jab of irony for her.

The orchestral players and choral singers were already there assembling for the first rehearsals with Kaori's usual collaborative conductor, Sakura Nogawa-san, a timid, young lady in general demeanour, but who could whip up a frenzy when ever standing on the podium, busily studying the score sheets.

Kaori usually had Sakura herself conduct most all of her works since making an impression with her interpretation of Kaori's Second Symphony, and she had proven to be a dream come true for Kaori. She was smart, she was dedicated, she was passionate, and she seemed to always understand Kaori's intentions maybe even better than she herself did. In fact, it was like she was the less insane double of Kaori, the way she possibly could have been had things worked slightly differently. But there were a few instances that Kaori herself took over the conducting duties when she felt it was truly necessary. Sakura was always involved, of course, but in the end her contributions during those occasions were of usually assistantive only.

Thus was the case with the Requiem. It was simply one of those works Kaori felt she had to handle herself.

"Morning, Sakura-san," Kaori called to the young woman.

Her head immediately shot up from the papers and, jumping up, happily greeted Kaori with "Ah! Aida-sama! Good morning! So glad you are here," she enthusiastically bowed, while adding a moment later, "Oh, and hello to you too, Mikuru-san."

"…Hello, Nogawa-san," Mikuru greeted back unemotionally with a slight nod.

"I already have everything organised so that we can get started without much ado," Sakura continued addressing Kaori again.

"Thank you, Sakura-san," Kaori responded with gratitude. "So, you have had time to familiarise yourself with this work?"

"Ah, yes I have. It has been the only thing in my mind for the past two weeks now..." Sakura started as she went into the details of the score, performance, and all the other assorted details Kaori needed to know.

While listening to Sakura, Kaori's mind at the same time drifted to thoughts about the job in front of her. She had never really liked conducting. Not that she couldn't do it, but it was always an extra strain on her to assume those responsibilities rather than just giving guidance to Sakura and listening to the performance on the premiere night. But it was often more than that. Particularly the rehearsals were often extremely taxing when taking into consideration her perfectionism and weak patience, making her a horror for the performers and a total witch on most occasions among the players, but who then always tended to give her the best they could come the actual performance out of due respect and desire to show her they could do it. Kaori still remembered how during the rehearsals of her Second Piano Concerto, she had almost been caught in a major cat fight with her soloist, Risa Harada, as temperaments flared, but the actual performance from the pianist had in the end caused Kaori to give her a truly deep and heartfelt hug in front of the whole audience for having made the work come alive as wonderfully as she had.

Thankfully, Sakura could always be depended on to keep things as much in check as possible, preventing things from ever getting too much out of hand. And which again proved to be a very good thing, too.

The next three days of the rehearsals were a veritable fireworks show as Kaori was more neurotic than usual, causing her temper to flair often and ferociously. It took all of Sakura's powers with the help of Mikuru, who now always accompanied her mistress to the rehearsals, to keep Kaori from attacking some of the performers and the high demands she was placing on the others was at times almost unbearable. Kaori and Sakura often exchanged their conducting responsibilities as Kaori also needed to keep in mind the new acoustics of the venue and adapt the score to the climate of the church.

But save for those moments of relaxation, the entire rehearsal period was definitely not a walk in the park. Kaori would often end up so frustrated as to not being able to continue immediately, and it was left to Mikuru to calm her down again with her strange touch that caused the blood pressure of Kaori to go down to moderate levels again. Certainly, a lot of people owed her a debt of gratitude for that.

In short, at the end of the rehearsals, everybody was totally beat and happy that the whole ordeal would soon be over, though at the same time there was no denying that what they had been witnessing for the past few days was nothing short of pure, explosive genius that had to be respected no matter what. Particularly, as the practice period was concluded, Kaori had seemed genuinely appreciative of everyone's efforts as she said in her concluding speeches, and even more so as she left the final general rehearsals in the hands of Sakura without even wanting to be present in the final run-through, stating her confidence that they'd "get it".

Truthfully, though, she was afraid of hearing it in full. Afraid that when put together, she could not get through the actual premiere.

After her final practice session that evening, as she was travelling back to the mansion, Kaori was again leaning her head against the window and watching the scenery pass by her and looking forward to the whole ordeal to be finally over, but not without feeling a slight reverberation of dread pounding in her head at the same time, pulling at the rigid control of her mental prowess.

It was certainly going to be an experience Kaori was not going to forget. That much was certain.

_

* * *

Okay, this is the first part of the finale and the second is largely written already, but it needs an ending and some finer adjustments before it__'__s ready for posting. Anyways, this is largely just some tying up of loose threads stuff with some obvious padding too (the cat clock anyone)._

_Also, you may have noticed Sakura Nogawa make an appearance too (who, of course, is Kaorin__'__s voice actress if you don__'__t know). I was originally going to have a male conductor there, but in honour of Azu traditions, I changed that into a female too. I just feel Kaori would be more likely to surround herself with women than men if she needed help. And if I__'__m going to do that, then why not Nogawa-san? Anyways, it__'__s almost over. Whooo!_


	11. Libera Me

_Well, here we are. The epic conclusion to a work that has taken nearly five months of my life. In fact, if I had any more Requiem texts to go between Lux Aeterna and Libera Me, I__'__d probably split this up too, but this has certainly become the chapter to end all the chapters. So please, enjoy this final installment of "The Sanity of Insanity; or, How Kaori Aida Lost Her Mind."_

_**

* * *

XI. Libera Me**_

_Libera me, Domine, de morte aeterna,  
In die illa tremenda,  
Quando coeli movendi sunt et terra,  
Dum veneris judicare saeclum per ignem.  
Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine,  
Et lux perpetua luceat eis._

* * *

The day for the unveiling of the grand, new statue came two days later amid a lot of fanfare, with delegates and honorary guests coming from all over the country to attend the proudly solemn occasion, while throngs of civilians had also come to see what the big deal was all about.

Considering what the statue was supposed to be representing, it was actually fairly simple in the end. It consisted of a beautiful, angel-like figure of a woman holding her hands high towards the sky with a sadly distant and pleading look in her marbled eyes, while her ethereally flowing gown was ruffled in the wind as if it was made of air itself. Below her was a sphere, which apparently was supposed to represent the Earth, but which looked more like a ball of putty than anything else. And finally, perched on the angel's outstretched hands, was a single, sculpted white feather, while the pedestal had a plaque saying "For the memory, and for the future".

Kaori wasn't wholly impressed with it. She had seen similar statues before and this didn't seem to have much in it to cause that much excitement or wonderment or sorrow in her opinion. A political move if ever there was one and not executed with much élan... certainly not with the same deep intention as her Requiem. For heaven's sakes, to make matters even more trivial to her, they had even hired a brass band to entertain the loitering crowd in the ceremony, a downright slap in the face for Kaori, who had pictured the moment to be something much more profound than this carnival atmosphere the deciders were obviously wanting so as not to cause too many bad feelings.

Chihiro, standing next to Kaori, could see the irritation in her friend's countenance and tried to calm her down before she did something drastic.

"Easy there now, tiger," Chihiro said.

"Of all the insensitive things they could do, they got some stupid village band of triviality to play attendance. I'd have a good mind of taking my work and just walking away..." Kaori muttered in anger.

"Don't worry, everything'll go just fine. I mean, who else is going to take this occasion down into the pits of misery if not you? I'm sure everyone will just adore your work, just you see," Chihiro tried to soothe her friend... even as the excuse was not really what she thought of as encouraging. "Hehe... umm, wouldn't you agree Mikuru?" she asked the assistant beside her.

"...Hai..." she responded with apparent disinterest while glancing at the statue in visible boredom, causing Chihiro to give her a disparaging face.

Surprisingly, Chihiro's pep-talk seemed to work, though, and Kaori relaxed a bit. "Yeah, I suppose so... Not that that'd be much of a challenge. This crowd would most likely shed buckets of tears even if I just told them the story of Pinocchio…"

"Ehehe… Well…" Chihiro started, but was interrupted by an unexpected voice behind them.

"Kaorin-san?"

Snapping out of their thoughts, the group turned around only, to their utter surprise, to come face to face with the smiling face of none other than Chiyo Mihama, now decidedly grown up since they had seen her last. She still wore pigtails, but they were more accommodating of her longer hair than the odd, bobbly things she used to have, and even though she was already a full-grown adult, she still had that inimitable air of cuteness about her.

"Hey, Kaorin-san! I thought I recognised you," she happily greeted as she approached her old friends.

"Chiyo-chan," Kaori greeted her with a happy smile.

Chiyo quickly gave a big hug to both Kaori and Chihiro and continued, "It's been such a long time! How've you two been?"

"Fine," they lied, and quickly directed the topic on Chiyo, "What about you? I wasn't expecting to see you here. I though you were in America," Kaori said.

"Oh, I was, but I came back here for about a month or so to visit my family and, at the same time, friends. You know, I've kinda missed all of my old friends, and I've been thinking of arranging a get together. Then I heard about this event, and saw your name attached to it, so I thought that'd be the perfect opportunity, so I pulled some strings and got everybody else here as well," Chiyo finished with a bright smile.

"Wow, you have some influence, Chiyo-chan," Chihiro wondered.

"Ehehe..." Chiyo embarrassed.

But she didn't have a lot of time to be that way as suddenly somebody attacked her from behind, accompanied by a boisterous "Heya there, Chiyo-chan!", the force of the bodily greet almost knocking the young woman down.

Regaining her senses, it didn't take a genius to guess who took such a brutal greeting to heart. Turning around, Chiyo was immediately faced with the wide grin of Tomo Takino.

"Hey, Tomo-san," she said with an expression devoid of any enthusiasm she had previously been feeling.

Tomo just gave her the thumbs up and loudly stated, "How ya doin'?!"

Chiyo didn't have any time to answer before Tomo changed her attention to "KAORIIIIN!!! You haven't changed a bit! And neither have you... umm... ah... you... eh..." Tomo stumbled from her not really remembering Chihiro at all.

"Chihiro..." Yomi whispered, who had now reached the rest of the group along with... Sakaki.

Kaori noted the presence of her obsession, but if her presence had an effect on her, she was doing a good job at hiding it. Chihiro noticed it too, but she didn't really have much time to reflect on that as Tomo over-rode every other consideration as quickly as it arose.

"Yeah, that's what I was about to say," Tomo continued with renewed energy, "Hey Chiciro!"

"Chihiro..." she mumbled, dejected.

"Yeah, that's what I said!" Tomo lauded back amid a lot of eyerolling from the others, only to chance to lock her eyes on Mikuru, who was silently gazing at the energetic woman with apparent confusion. "My God! You have enormous breasts! Bigger than Kagura's!" she pointed in shock, causing an uncomfortable silence to drop over the group, not least because Tomo didn't even know Mikuru was associated with Kaori in the first place.

"What was I expecting..." Kaori mumbled to herself. "Everybody, this is my personal assistant, Ayanami Mikuru," she introduced the girl who's face had taken the shade of at least fifteen different hues of red.

"A personal assistant? Jeez, Kaorin, you must be loaded!" Tomo exclaimed.

"Why yes, Tomo, I am," Kaori said as deliberately as possible with a smug grin on her face. "I mean, when living in a mansion, one does need an assistant."

As expected, Tomo's eyes went wide and her mouth gaped open, causing Kaori to give a devious chuckle at being able to give a little bit back to Tomo for all those times Kaori had ended up being ridiculed by Tomo's antics.

"Anyway, it's a beautiful statue, isn't it?" Chiyo quickly piped up with a small nervous laugh to get a more proper conversation going.

"Yeah, it looks really good," Yomi quickly followed in Chiyo's mode of thinking. "It has a sort of ethereal beauty to it, wouldn't you say?"

"Hmph, it's a statue," Kaori dismissed the thing with contempt once more.

"Oh... it is, isn't it... eh he he..." Chiyo tried to say something, but not really knowing what to say when seeing Kaori's face.

"It seems... lifeless," Sakaki suddenly dropped into the conversation out of nowhere.

"Yes, it does," Kaori was quick to agree, much to Chihiro's wariness. "It's pretty and nicely sculpted, but it doesn't have a soul."

"No... it doesn't. It's cold and... not very cute. It doesn't really conjure any sense of emotion," Sakaki said with a blush.

"It's about as dead as the people it's supposed to be honouring," Kaori quipped causing a nod from Sakaki, while the others were more or less either embarrassed for apparently not having thought deeply enough about the subject to say anything more analytically critical about it, or bored about the whole thing like Tomo.

"Sakaki-san, I didn't know you were so observant about art," Kaori continued, feeling a strange mix of calmness and butterflies at the same time when being confronted by Sakaki again after such a long time.

"Mmm. I'm not really that familiar with sculpting, to be honest. That's just a way this particular one strikes me. I'm more into painting, actually," Sakaki said as she eyed the statue.

"Painting?" Kaori asked with interest.

"Ah... hai. Nothing big or anything like that. Just something small. It's a nice hobby," Sakaki responded.

"Cool! You know, Mikuru here does some painting too," Kaori said while turning to Mikuru's side.

"Hai... Nothing big, though. Just something small. I find painting very relaxing," she responded laconically as usual.

"Mmm... it is... very harmonious," Sakaki agreed.

"Yes. Most therapeutic," Mikuru agreed, as well.

"Mmm," they both nodded, while Kaori was beaming like sunshine beside them.

Chihiro in the mean time felt like she had suddenly been transported into the Twilight Zone. All of a sudden it just hit her how totally surreal it was to see Sakaki and Mikuru talking to each other. She had never before realised how much they actually resembled one another, until now that they actually faced each other. They didn't particularly look alike, but their reticent personalities were like mirror images, making Chihiro think whether there were ulterior motives for Kaori to have hired Mikuru in the first place.

Next to her, Tomo had lost all interest in what was happening around her and had started to tease Yomi about how fat she was and how her boobs were just getting bigger and bigger by the year so that soon she'd have serious problems staying vertical, while Chiyo was busy trying to keep Yomi from killing Tomo.

And finally, there was Kaori in all smiles and animatedly talking of art and stuff like that with Sakaki as if the past few months had never even happened. In fact, Kaori was seeming a little too comfortable with Sakaki to Chihiro's liking.

"_Damn it if she'__s falling for the lure of Sakaki again. I have to do something. I__'__ve worked too damn hard for it all to be for nothing,__"_she thought anxiously before saying out loud, "Ah, Kaorin! Isn't it getting a little late? I mean, shouldn't you be off to see about the arrangements for the concert?"

Flipping her pocket watch in her hand, she noted, "Oh, you're right, Chihiro. I really should be going," she said as she turned to the rest of the group and continued, "Hey, it's been real great seeing you again, but I really must run off. So I trust I'll see you later this evening?"

"Of course, Kaorin-san. Wouldn't miss this for the world," Chiyo happily bobbed as the rest of the group said their see-you-laters.

- O -

Once having walked a safe distance away, Chihiro gave Kaori an angered look.

"What?" Kaori asked as she noted her friend's face.

"I can't believe you Kaorin," Chihiro began. 'Oo, Sakaki-san, I didn't know you were so observant of art, and oh, you paint too', Chihiro mimicked. "I mean seriously."

"And what exactly was that supposed to mean?" Kaori asked with a hint of irritation in her voice.

"You know very well what it means. It's about you fawning all over Sakaki again. Haven't you learned anything from these past months?"

"Fawning? I wasn't _fawning. _I was having a normal, civilised conversation."

"Oh, yeah. And that's why you were smiling like a 500 watt lightbulb?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know smiling was somehow forbidden. What would you have me do? Pout all day long?" Kaori said with heavily seeping sarcasm.

"Well, that's what you usually do..." Chihiro mumbled.

"I do what...? What the heck is the matter with you all of a sudden? ...Agh, I don't have the time or interest to get into another argument with you, Chihiro, so you might as well drop it. Seriously, sometimes I don't get what your problem is," Kaori said as she shook her head in frustration.

"Yeah, well, that's not the only thing I 'have a problem' with, either. What about Mikuru then, huh?" Chihiro shot at Kaori.

"What about Mikuru?" Kaori asked in confusion.

"Come on. Don't give me that. I'm not blind, you know. Don't think I didn't see that Mikuru is almost exactly like Sakaki!"

"What?" Kaori glared at Chihiro in bewilderment.

"Isn't it true you hired her just because she reminded you of Sakaki? I mean it's so obvious that it almost hurts. They're both silent, stoic, uncomfortable with themselves and now they even paint! Just face the truth, will you. Mikuru _is _Sakaki!"

"Huh?" they suddenly heard from behind them, noting that Mikuru had heard it all and had now stopped walking, her face in shock. "M-m-mistress...? Is... is that... true? You only hired me because I... reminded you of that other woman? Not because I was... good or... or all those things you said," she said, almost on the verge of tears.

"Ugh, now look what you did, Chihiro," Kaori said exasperated. "No, it is _not _true!"

"It's not?" Chihiro countered.

"No! And I can't believe you'd think that. I don't see Mikuru as any kind of _substitute._ She's the best worker I've ever had and I consider her a dear friend. She's nothing like Sakaki-san; not even close," Kaori vehemently stated.

"I'm... I'm not?" Mikuru said with a feeble voice.

"No. No you're not. You are much better," Kaori said looking straight into the girl's downcast eyes that now shot up to look straight into Kaori's. "My intentions have always been pure and truthful. I don't see you as a Sakaki-san clone, but as Mikuru, a trusted person in my home and a member of my family. And Chihiro shouldn't have insinuated that I'd feel that way about you. Don't ever think my thoughts of you are contradictory to what I've said to you before.

"And Chihiro," she continued, turning to her friend, "I can't believe you would even suggest such a thing. As if I'd try to replace other people not in my life with some sort of carbon copies? Don't you know me at all? Regardless of how I've been in the past, never have I even considered using other people in such a cheap way. Never. And I never will. Chihiro... is that really how you see me as being? That I'm that selfish? I... I thought you were my best friend," Kaori finished with sadness reflecting in her eyes.

Now it was Chihiro's turn to feel ashamed. Sometimes she felt that she could just kick herself, and this was definitely one of those times. Kaori's words seemed to hit her like a ton of bricks and they weren't making her feel very good about herself or her suppositions. She didn't mean for it to come down like that, but obviously she should have thought better about what she said before opening her big mouth. "Kaorin... I... I..."

Taking a deep breath, Kaori calmed herself down to keep talking in a more controlled voice, "Chihiro, you still have doubts about me? That I'd throw myself at Sakaki-san at the first chance I'd get? Well, to be honest, it is a rather enticing idea... but hardly realistic. I _have _thought about this a lot lately and I've done a lot of soul searching to know that it is so. I know it's nothing more than a hopeful fantasy and nothing more. But you still don't trust me, do you?"

"No, it's... it's not that. I'm just... I'm... I worry about you. That you'll loose your head again... and... maybe the next time will be..." Chihiro said her head bowed down.

Kaori smiled a little at that, and placed her hand on her friend's shoulder, saying "You know, I'm a big girl now. I can take care of myself. You don't have to continuously worry about me. As long as I still have your friendship, everything'll be just fine. You know you are my supporting pillar... you've always been and you always will be. Please, don't doubt my sincerity. Just, trust me a little more, will you," she finished with an affectionate smile.

Chihiro granted herself a smile and just nodded, saying a small "Sure."

"That's better. Now, what say we go get this sucker over and done with?" Kaori asked.

"Okay," Chihiro answered as the three women resumed their walk towards the church in a much relieved atmosphere.

- O -

After the festivities following the grand unveiling were completed, the invited crowd then moved to the church for the second part of the programme: The Grand Mass for the Dead for chorus and large orchestra, Opus 32. As Kaori had instructed, the church was fairly dark with mood lighting creating a soft haze of yellowish light to set everybody in the right frame of mind and away from that cheerfulness outside. This was supposed to be a moment of solemnity and mourning after all.

The church was already filling up quite nicely and it was expected that the place would be completely filled up with not only the main "important" people, but also a number of music connoisseurs, critics and the odd assortment of other people who had been either invited there or who had been lucky enough to get seating tickets, such as Chiyo and her old high school friends, including Osaka and Kagura now too, who were all seated near the centre of the hall. Tomo, of course, didn't want to go there to listen to some "boring violins and other lame stuff", but Yomi had persuaded her to attend as well:

"_You will go, or I'__m gonna really loose my temper!!!__"__ Yomi yelled at the top of her lungs._

"_You sound just like my grandmother," Tomo said with a smile, after which Chiyo, Sakaki and Kagura had all been needed to keep Yomi off of Tomo._

The musicians had already assembled on the makeshift stage in front of the altar while the chorus was elevated on a slightly curvy fan-like pedestal, and the extra timpani was then laid out on the balcony area above along with the organ. The immense forces Kaori desired seemed a bit cramped where they were seated, despite the largeness of the place, but there was still enough space to afford enough movement for the players to not having to resort in making compromises.

Chihiro, who was seated near the edge of the stage with Mikuru, was nervously sweating in her seat. This event was finally the moment this whole ordeal of the past months of torture had been leading up to. This moment would determine the outcome of Kaori's future and, to a certain extent, her own as well. Whether this will make or break Kaori was yet to be seen, and Chihiro certainly wished with all her might it would be the former.

After everybody had been seated for around five minutes since the last members of the audience had meandered to their places, the lights dimmed further to only leave the stage still illuminated, after which the doors behind the orchestra immediately slammed open to reveal a determined and grim looking Kaori walking up to the podium through the stage as the crowd began their welcoming applause.

Stepping up on the podium, Kaori gave a quick glance to the audience, giving a few small bows in their direction, while letting her eyes roam a bit amid the attending people. While so doing, her eyes momentarily stopped at the sight of a certain raven-haired woman in the crowd, something that Chihiro didn't fail to acknowledge, but to her surprise, Kaori then turned her head to look straight into Chihiro's and gave her a warm smile. Chihiro didn't quite expect that, but she didn't really have time to mull over it as Kaori turned around to face the orchestra and prepared to begin the performance.

The crowd went silent, and the air noticeably tensed up in expectation.

Then, Kaori raised her hands to gently sway for the setting of the simple 2/2 beat and espressivo melodic line, the cellos and basses started to lay down a soft carpet of a mournful G minor melody that would become the main theme of the movement, soon to be followed by a lone French horn to intone the idea with more prominence, enticing the listener to descend into a world of solitude. To this the violins, the woodwinds, the brass, and the percussion soon joined one after the other in rising musical emotiveness as the chorus then entered with their first "Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine..."

From here on the work continued in a variety of different emotions, but always keeping the emotional heart of the setting in mind. Even beyond the more tumultuous moments that teetered in the way of the horrors of humanity's greatest fears, Kaori had never allowed herself to forget the very essence of the human soul, as seen in the horrified, repeated whispers of "Kyrie eleison" following the initial movement, creating an uneasy plea for mercy.

The advancement of the Dies Irae then came like an atomic explosion of apocalyptic proportions after the more psychologically expressive music as Kaori opened up the terrors of the Day of Judgement to all the listeners with heavy brass and terrified proclamations from the chorus. And underlining it all was the large concentration of timpani spread about the balcony area where they played counterpoint to one another and mirrored each other in stereo over the anxious chorus and orchestral fury, before finally all ten pairs converged to play in unison, sending waves of trembling sound hurling over the audience seated in utter captivation and horror. Kaori certainly wasn't about to let her work be ignored and the ensuing Tuba Mirum fanfares were truly awe-inspiring as was the almost shattering silences of the Quid Sum Miser intermingling with sighing English horns when the terrors finally subsided.

After the following, triumphant Rex Tremendae and the serene Quaerens Me, the heartbreaking Lacrymosa had, as expected, made more than one person break into tears, and Kaori was leading her ensemble down with the most expressive use of her body to accentuate every expression of emotion she had spent in writing the work. She stomped, she moved her hands about energetically when ever needing more force, her face expressed about every single emotion she could call forth, and the choral singers and orchestral players responded admirably to all her intentions. When the Lacrymosa was succeeded by the easy-flowing harmonies of the Offertorium that Kaori had been improvising on the piano all those months ago, now in its fully orchestrated magnificence and framed into a complex triple fugue that still seemed deceptively simple, it was enough for Chihiro to feel her heart almost exploding with the warmth of how the same music had made her feel previously in its more sparse form.

The final movements of the eerie Hostias, in which flutes and eight, very deeply played trombones played some disconnected and offsetting chords as accompaniment to the chorus, creating a vacuum of insubstantial fear and trepidation, the heavenly Sanctus with its sole moment for a tenor soloist to play a heavenly host, the heartfelt F minor Agnus Dei that eventually modulated to the main key of D flat major for a magnificent conclusion complete with ethereal organ, and finally the majestic Libera Me that reprised the main ideas of the preceding movements, brought the 85 minute mass to a final, heartbreaking close as the entire score descended into pianississimo quietness, the orchestral sections one by one going silent, finally leaving only the chorus quietly intoning "Requiem aeternam... Requiem aeternam..." before falling silent under the lone beat of a single timpani.

When the music ceased, Kaori was visibly tired. She had during the performance truly lived the music and everything had come straight from her heart. And now that it was over, she was entirely spent. All she could do was to bow her head down and remain completely still, not making any effort to move from where she was, while at the same time trying to catch her breath.

But Kaori wasn't the only one not making a move. The concert audience was likewise silent, stunned and emotionally exhausted. None dared make a move or dared to give applause lest they should do something irrevocably bad. What had begun as a fun event to many, had in the end turned into something more like a day of lamentation for all involved. Even Tomo was left without words for the first time in her life, and Sakaki was reduced to tears.

After nearly two minutes of utter silence, Chihiro then finally stirred and, seeing Kaori still hunched over the podium, got up and ventured towards her. She didn't quite know if it was such a safe thing to do, but she had a feeling she needed to do something. Approaching Kaori's figure, she noted how tired she looked, as if she had just had another ten years thrown over her within the matter of just a little over an hour.

Taking hold of her arm, she whispered, "Kaorin..."

As if suddenly shocked out of whatever world she was lost in, Kaori's head snapped up and her wide eyes focused on Chihiro's face.

After a moment of just staring at each other, Chihiro quietly continued, "Kaorin, are you all right?"

It took a while for Kaori to register what Chihiro had just said before letting her body relax a bit and then turned towards the audience still sitting in silent attendance. Kaori gave a small bow to them, then a similar gesture towards the musicians, and started moving away from the stage, still in complete silence, accompanied by Chihiro closely by her side.

It was only at that moment that the audience seemed to snap out of their stupor and the few scattered claps of people soon turned into roaring applause, whistling and shouts of bravo as people were standing up to show their utter admiration.

Halted by the sudden noise, Kaori stopped and turned her head towards the people, who were so openly showing their appreciation. Tomo, of course, again proved to be the loudest of the lot with her shouts of "ALL RIGHT, KAORIN!!!" as she was pumping her fist in the air while standing on the chair next to Yomi looking increasingly more embarrassed beside her. It was enough to cause a small smile to form on Kaori's face, which she then followed with a few more pronounced bows and signs of appreciation towards her singers and players who had made the whole thing come alive.

When she continued her journey away from the stage, she gave a quick glance towards Sakaki at the same time. It was there that she finally laid all of her doubts to rest. In the past she would have probably made a proper mess of herself in the presence of Sakaki, but now all she could see in her was a person that aroused nothing more than nostalgic sentiments of old feelings never to be fulfilled. A friend, but nothing more.

Indeed, as much as the Requiem was the greatest and most personal work she had ever produced, it was at the same time the requiem for the old feelings she used to harbour towards the long-haired goddess and which now seemed but insubstantial daydreams of an immature mind.

- O -

As the barrage of headlights of the Mercedes cut through the night, Kaori and Chihiro's trip back to the mansion unfolded in silence. Not a troubled silence, but still a silence that invited no interruption. It was as if saying anything would have been the troubling element in this scene. Kaori was obviously deep in meditation, only watching the unfolding scenery of the already darkened night shoot past in solemnity, her head leaning on the glass.

After the performance Chiyo had come and given her most enthusiastic congratulations and suggested the whole group should go celebrate, but Kaori had quickly excused herself due to her not having any energy left to do anything else past that performance, and promising that tomorrow she'd most likely feel a lot better so they could see each other then if possible. Chiyo, of course, was the very definition of understanding and didn't even attempt to keep Kaori back any further, and thus the tired woman was escorted out by Chihiro and into the car that was situated near by so as to get back home as soon as possible.

During the drive, Chihiro was not quite as lost in her thoughts as Kaori, but felt that it might not be a good idea to disturb her friend at this moment. The performance certainly had taken its toll, and the best course of action seemed to be to just let Kaori snap out of it on her own, though at the same time it was making Chihiro slightly worried that the Requiem might have left some kind of psychological damage in its wake.

As the car rounded its way to the front yard of the mansion and came to a stop next to the front door, Kaori was quick to jump out without even waiting for Mikuru to come and open the car door for her. Striding quickly to the front door, she entered without uttering a word and headed straight towards the backyard.

Chihiro quickly followed, feeling the need to be concerned for Kaori at this fragile period and not wanting to leave her out of her sight. As she reached the backyard where she had seen Kaori rush off to, she stopped as she saw her friend once more standing with her back towards the house, staring at somewhere far off.

"_I really would like to know what exactly she'__s always looking at when she__'__s out here,__"_Chihiro thought.

Taking a few tentative steps towards Kaori, Chihiro soon stopped her advance as Kaori unexpectedly spoke up, "The demons are not here tonight..."

"D-demons?" Chihiro freaked. _"Okay, scratch that. I don't want to know!"_

"The whispering has ceased... Probably not gone forever, but at least they're not there now... Ah, kami-sama, it feels good... it really does feel good," Kaori said in a very relieved tone.

"K-Kaorin? Are you alright?" Chihiro asked as she advanced towards her a bit more.

Kaori just turned around and revealed a big, bright smile on her face, a smile that felt so open and happy, that Chihiro was almost shocked by the sudden transformation. "Yes, I'm fine, Chihiro. Ever for so few a times this good," Kaori beamed back. "Better, than for such a long time I can barely remember."

The smile of Kaori's was so sincere, that it was causing Chihiro to break into a smile too, evaporating all the worries she had been harbouring all day long, like a valve releasing the bent up pressure from her brain. It also brought about a slight feeling of embarrassment into Chihiro's mind about what had happened earlier that day.

"Kaorin... I'm sorry," she started, and after Kaori gave a questioning look, she continued, "about earlier... I shouldn't have said those things about you. You were right, I was totally out-of-line. I should have more trust in you. I've known you for so long and yet... it's as if I don't know you at all. I mean, what kind of a best friend am I?"

"A very good one," Kaori interrupted, causing Chihiro to look up in surprise. Taking a deep breath, Kaori answered Chihiro's confused face, "You know, I doubt very many would have tolerated me to the extent that you have. Hmh, don't look so surprised. I know I'm not an easy person to get along with, and I know a large quantity of other people would have cut me out of their lives a good while ago, but... even if I've never asked you, you've never done that. Even after everything I have put you through... there you are still. That if anything shows strength of character, and loyalty. And friendship. And I want you to know that I respect that immensely about you. You have always tried to find ways to get along with me, even if it hurt you. And to have a friend like you still willing to be there for me, it's... more than what I deserve."

"Kaorin, I... that is... it's more than just that. You know, loyalty and oaths and stuff. They're part of it, but the fact of the matter is that... I love you. I really do love you. That's not something I can say of many other people I've met in my life. Of all the friends I've had in my life, both good and not so important, you are the only one that is still an active part in it. And I don't think that'll ever change. I mean, I admit, sometimes you can really drive me up the wall, but... that's not really something I can change, right? It's who you are and I will just have to live with it. Because my bond to you is so strong, that I doubt there is nothing that can ever break it. And if that doesn't equate to some form of love, then I don't know what does," Chihiro finished.

Kaori offered another smile accompanied by a slight hint of amusement, and said, "Yeah, maybe you're right. I guess it _has_ to be some form of love if you've bothered to stick around me for this long. And... I suppose I love you too. After all, you are my best friend. And there must exist some form of love between best friends. Otherwise, what would be the point?"

"Yeah," Chihiro chuckled, bringing about a silence between the two women. Not an uncomfortable one, but one of contented tenderness.

After this had gone on for a while, Kaori suddenly slapped her hands together and said, "You know, Chihiro... I think I just had a great idea. I think I should write... an opera!"

"An... an opera?" Chihiro asked.

"Yes. And I'm thinking of doing... FAUST! You know, the guy who sold his soul to the devil. I mean, just considering the magnificence of my Requiem, this could be even more wonderful than that. And darker, too! I could really do some serious soul searching with this and really go down to the depths of evil and possession and tragedy and... and... eh? Chihiro, are... are you okay?" Kaori asked as Chihiro had started to shake.

"Kaorin... Kaorin, don't... you... dare! Do you know what you have just put me through the past four months? Utter hell! And now you want to drag me right back into it! No freaking WAY!!! That's it. You are not writing an opera on devils and selling of souls, and that's it! I'm putting my foot down! And I don't want to hear any arguments either, young lady! Or old lady... L-L-Lady," Chihiro fumed.

"Chihiro... what..." Kaori started in utter disbelief.

"No, I said I'm putting my foot down! End of discussion! Or I'm going to leave and never come back! My head can't take much more of those things! Is that understood?" Chihiro said with finality.

"O...okay... Chihiro... Calm down. It was just an idea... No need to get so upset. Jeez, it's not as if we're married or anything."

"Well, unlike you, I _do_ value my sanity, and I would very much like to keep it that way. Against everything I put up with..." Chihiro groaned.

After another silence ensued, it wasn't long before Kaori suddenly burst into a fit of laughter, causing Chihiro to look at her in confusion. But on further thinking, it wasn't as if anything really surprised Chihiro anymore when it regarded Kaori, so the polarizing mood swings were nothing unusual.

After the laughter began to subside, Kaori threw her head back and faced the sky, that was now clear and the stars were shining with the brightness of untold galaxies. Keeping her eyes fixed to the sky, Kaori wondered, "Wow... It's so clear and bright..." Kaori's eyes widened as if something was pulling her gaze farther and farther into the blackness of that brightly illuminated stretch of expansiveness. It was as if the calling of the unknown was once more starting to beckon her, of taunting her with the great secrets of the universe just waiting to be revealed and explored out there. If only she could combine this feel she was just experiencing in her music... to find the answer to the Mysterion, the unanswered question... then she would indeed be an artist of untold significance... The wheels of immortality were starting to turn again in her head...

"Kaorin?" Chihiro asked with concern.

"Chihiro... I think I'm going to do some stargazing. Want to join me?" Kaorin asked, her gaze still in the stars above.

Chihiro stood with confusion at first, but then allowed herself a smile, saying, "Sure. I'd love to," after which Kaori went off back inside the house to fetch her telescope and leaving Chihiro waiting outside.

"_Kaorin... I shall never understand you. But I suppose I'__m destined to always be caught just off the limelight of genius. Guess it__'__s not that bad a place to be. And at the end of the day, I suppose God__'__s in His heaven, all__'__s right with the world. And I__'__ll always end up playing the part of sanity to your insanity.__"_

_

* * *

There! It__'__s done! Bobs a bottle of champagne. Well, this has most certainly been my most ambitious and long story I__'__ve ever attempted to write and I__'__ve enjoyed every moment of it. It__'__s kind of sad to see it end, but I__'__m also happy that my little fragment of a dream all those months ago was enough to pull the whole thing through. It__'__s been a blast and I truly hope anybody reading this has enjoyed it as well._

_So thanks to all for your support, to those who have read, favourited, or put on alerts, and especially for the following individuals who have vocally contributed in pushing me to the end: Weener1, Fade to Osaka, Einootspork, Brandon Payne, Anime Rebirth, Flower Of Paper & TheoneandonlyKaorin, and for any ideas that you may have inadvertently contributed to my mind._

_Also, sorry if anybody was expecting some kind of a huge "I love you" confessional, but that would have been so utterly cheesy, which is something I try to avoid like the plague (sometimes with less success). But, I will leave the door open for conjecture and people are free to read this outcome in any way they please (Kaori and Chihiro can still find romantic love with each other if you want to read it that way). Anyways, me (Jani), Kaori, Chihiro, and Mikuru would like to extend our final thanks to all you who have enjoyed the story. Take care and Bye! :)_

_© Kiyohiko Azuma, 1999-2002, 2009  
© Jani Bodmann (Berlioz II), 2.1.2008 __–__ 26.4.2008 (Revision complete 22.9.2009)_


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